Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Why?

Why am I starting another blog?  I've thought about it a lot, and always concluded it was a bad idea.  I really worry about my ego...feeding it, that is.  My other blog has taught me how badly my ego wants to take over, because I love praise.  And though I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling good about something you do well, or something neat you own, or how you look; the ego wants badly to be defined by such things...and then it's insatiable.  


And the temptation is always there, and though it flares up now and then with my other blog, (when I get a lot of 'hits', or someone compliments me on my writing) it's hard to get too carried away, because I'm only sharing about hiking. But my deep spiritual ponderings and theological wrestlings are so much more scary to throw out there. (nevertheless, I have done it already a few times)  And the scary part is not so much that people may reject or despise my spiritual beliefs-- because even though that hurts, it's the ego that is damaged, and in my opinion that's a good thing.  No, what's scary is the part of myself that wants to be other peoples' spiritual guide.   If anyone reads this and starts praising me because they are feeling closer to God, well, that could be a very dangerous temptation for my ego to latch onto.  Of course it's a good thing to want people to feel closer to God, but trying to take over the Holy Spirit's job is never a good idea.


So why am I doing this again?  Because I'd like to have something I could just have people read if they ask me how I came to believe the way I do.  It's such a long story, and it's so emotional for me.  It's very difficult for me to talk about.   Writing is the easiest way for me to communicate, and there is certainly a therapeutic aspect as well. I'm going to try my best to ignore this blog though.  I figure if I pay no attention if anyone else reads it, then my ego won't have the chance to attach itself to it.  And my prayer is always that God will use it in whatever way is best.