Suffering

(FYI, I started this years ago...probably over a decade? I finally finished; but trust me, I know I don't have all the answers and that the concepts I think are true are still beyond my ability to fully grasp.)

 

I've spoken on here a couple times about my private Facebook group for Christian moms with gay kids. It is growing daily--so much so, that it has actually split in two. There is one for the "newbies" (just sorting out what they think about the whole gay thing) and one for the the "oldies" who have been sorting for awhile and may be too "out there" for the newbies. Like any group, it's difficult to feel like you "belong" if you have very different views on things, and so divisions are made...this is the way of life.

I will say, though, that even with a split, and we the fact we can't agree on things, and we get frustrated or confused by each other's thinking - we still keep asking the hard questions. We are all a little sick of having been told nice, neat answers to everything; so we are wrestling with God and each other. And with that comes opening a few boxes that have been shut tight...boxes of hurt and pain with no explanation to make it all better.

The thread that has affected me most deeply was the post asking for people to share the darkest time in their life. I thought I could share mine, but after reading others, I just couldn't. The suffering described in those stories was beyond imagination. "How do people endure such pain?" was all I could think. I walked away from my computer, walked into the woods with my dog, and sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore.

"If God is so good, and He is in control, then why all this suffering?"...that is THE question, isn't it? Our religious communities have tried to give us answers..."It's because the devil is in control", "God made a rock so big He couldn't move it", "God is good, but He is holy, so He has no choice but to punish us", "We reap what we sow"...and on and on.

Then there is the ying/yang theory, which basically states you can't have good unless you have the opposite. Light/dark, happy/sad, death/life, winner/loser...you wouldn't understand the true meaning of one without the other. How can we become "conquerors" without having something to conquer?

I can't be the only one who loves movies with a horrible tragedy that had to be overcome. In the end, the hero/heroine finds meaning and purpose through it all. Isn't that the plot of 99% of all movies and stories? A scene from "The Matrix" has always stuck with me, when the programmers for the "reality" of life (as everyone who was plugged into experienced it, that is) explained their dilemma with humans...

"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery."

Talk about "muppets"
That is the note I had written to myself to help me finish this post that I started over two years ago. I have never had a subject matter shut me down like this one has. Suffering is the problems of all problems, and who am I to think I could have anything to say about it? But I wrestle with it often; I think most everyone does. We want suffering to have meaning somehow, and at the same time the idea that suffering is part of a "plan" can be so offensive it's unspeakable (especially when dealing with children) which explains why I just have to wrestle with it, even if I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Which I clearly don't; how could talking about muppets possibly bring any light to the mystery of suffering? I wish I could go back in time so I could remember; I bet it was good!

Though there is one scene that comes to mind from "The Muppet's Christmas Carol." Kermit (playing Bob Cratchit) is walking home from his miserable job on Christmas Eve with this crippled and dying son on his shoulder, and they are joyfully singing about keeping love alive. I know that I picture that scene often when I'm driving home from my own miserable job, and it always makes me feel better. 

 

Okay, it's 2024 and I've come back to this post. I'm ready to tackle suffering once again. And once again I'm going to bring up a weird sci-fi movie like the Matrix to try to make sense of it.  Problem is I don't think nearly as many people have watched "Severance" so I'll first briefly explain it. 

In this Apple TV series people work for a "top secret" company...so top secret in fact that they had to agree to a procedure to "sever" their brains in order to work there. This means that when they take the elevator down to work their brain forgets everything about their regular life, and when they take the elevator back up to go home it forgets everything about their work life. This essentially creates two people - one who never goes to work and one who never leaves work. Of course the reality is there is only one person...but without the consciousness to remember, it in no way feels like the same person. 

 

There is a scene when "Helly" sits to listen to a video her "outie" made for her (these two consciousness' are referred to as the "innie" and "outie") after the outie received her video asking her to resign so she could be freed. In the video Helly's outie says, "I am a person, you are not. I make the decisions, you do not. Your request is denied." 

FURY!! I HATED HELLY'S OUTIE!!! Spoiler alert - Helly decides to try and kill herself to escape her work hell...and I was rooting for her!! FUCK THAT BITCH, HELLY! But wait...how weird. I'm hating the same person. 

There is A LOT to unpack if I'm going to make spiritual connections here. Please bear with me. First off, obviously Helly's outie makes a horrible example if I'm making that God. A God that does not care about our suffering, nor experience suffering - and wouldn't you know, that is the "Man in The Sky" many view God to be.

So what spiritual connection am I trying to make? I guess the idea that if there could be two consciousnesses, but actually only one person, then there could be unlimited consciousnesses that are "one." Not being aware of this we would cause great harm to the parts we feel are "separate."  Ourselves causing horrible suffering to ourselves because of a split consciousness...I mean, yeah, it's totally weird. But the notion that when we hurt others, we hurt God, when we judge others, we judge ourselves, that we cannot obtain mercy if we do not give mercy, that we are not to look down and think we are better than anyone - that essentially we are connected, except we can't see it or believe it...well this is a major concept in most religions, and very prevalent in Christianity. There's also a Biblical concept of two selves (like the innie and outie) that I have touched on a little bit here and here, but maybe I'll explore that even more next time. For now I will leave you with some quotes I gave in a previous post from Hannah Hurnard (edited and with some changes by me) along with some other scriptures for you to wrestle with. 

"It took another twenty years (when I saw) what our Lord Jesus has revealed about God through his choosing to become incarnate in a man--namely that he is conscious of himself in all humans. Until that moment I had thought of God as conscious of everything from without...but now I saw...he is conscious of it from within. This is what the saints mean when they speak of God as immanent. God manifest in the flesh. Once, in the fullness of time, when we were able to be shown, God in Jesus Christ revealed to us the truth about Emmanuel..."God with us, reveled in us."  Every part of his incarnation, life and death on the cross--yes, and his glorious resurrection is a revelation of this truth.  
     The Jewish people found it overwhelmingly difficult to grasp the significance of a suffering God, of the Creator on a cross, just as they were so unable to understand the revelation of the presence of God actually dwelling in a tent of skins...and would not believe he was present and incarnate in a human body.  He was wounded and has been wounded for our transgressions all along...from the moment of the first sin it began to be true.  "Surly he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows", "In all their afflictions he was afflicted"...these passages now take on a marvelous and overwhelming significance, and a host of other ones as well.  Never again can I despise or be indifferent to a single individual that I meet...for I see someone in whom the eternal God and Redeemer is conscious of...feeling and bearing all they feel and bear and all the consequences of their sin and the cruel sins done against them by others.
     Here, at least as far as I can see, is the answer to the mystery of suffering...Love itself is in them, feeling it all, bearing it, crucified and rising to life making responsible to undo, in the end, all the results of sin...and bringing forth in it's own good time resurrection life out of agony and death."

 

One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. 

 

Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then are we faithless to one another, profaning the covenant of our fathers? 

 

Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? 

 

And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true

 

So we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another

 

That they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me

 

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen

With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image

 

And when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘I assure you and most solemnly say to you, to the extent that you did it for one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it for Me.’

 

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father"...The Jews who heard these words were again divided.  Many of them said, “He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?” ...Again his Jewish opponents picked up stones to stone him,  but Jesus said to them, “I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these do you stone me?” “We are not stoning you for any good work,” they replied, “but for blasphemy, because you, a mere man, claim to be God.” Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your Law, ‘I have said you are “gods”

 

For presently we see through a glass in obscurity; but then, face to face. Presently, I know in part; but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known

For if we died together — we also shall live together; if we do endure together — we shall also reign together; if we deny [him], he also shall deny us; if we are not steadfast, he remains steadfast; to deny himself he is not able.

 

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

 

(I know this is hard, but here is an image of ONE thing -- a vine. The branch IS the vine. The branch can't separate from the vine and be a thing on it's own. We can't grasp this because we experience ourselves as separate. But it is not reality. Obviously this takes a lot of faith to believe. But I also want to acknowledge that a break with "reality" can cause psychosis. You will find this kind of "oneness" talk with most cult leaders, people who have done too many drugs, and many who are obviously not mentally stable. But you also find it from many very loving and normal spiritual seekers as well as scientists. For me, to be grounded in faith, hope and love while I wrestle with this is what matters most. If paranoia, fear or self importance are the fruits of any teachings or "revelations" -- then we can be sure we are on the wrong path. )

Why I Can't Do Politics

First off, I'm depressed. I have not felt this low in a long time. I am honestly fighting thoughts about how I really don't want to be here. Not thoughts about killing myself - just a general wish that I could disappear. And yes, I'm sure most of that is because it's election night. 

I try with all my might to avoid talking politics with anyone, because I hate politics with all my being. But whenever it does come up, all I get is a lot of judgement that I'm not as angry as whomever I'm talking with. I have people I love on both sides, and I get scolded from both at how I'm just not educated enough to know how mad I should be. And clearly evil is running rampant because I'm not up in arms and fighting against it. 

"Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either—but right through every human heart”

That is a quote from Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. It really resonated with me; but I knew nothing about the man. So I just scanned through his Wikipedia page, and all I can say is wow. I knew nothing of the famine in Soviet Ukraine (considered "man made" and therefore basically genocide) that killed 6 million people in the 1930's. To say I'm "uneducated" is an understatement. I could read all day everyday, and still only scratch the surface of knowledge. But I don't need to be educated to know that horrors abound in this world...every second of every day in every country. And each one is worth being up in arms over. 

Then why aren't I angry? Why aren't I criticizing and condemning and coming against all the evildoers? The truth is, I wouldn't even know where to start. And besides, I really want to be done with criticizing and condemning. Does that mean I just close my eyes to evil? Bury my head in the sand? 

To me, letting go of my need to condemn means I am choosing a solidarity with humanity that includes the good and evil that passes through all of us. I am choosing to believe that every human is a child of God, even when they don't see it at all and commit horrible acts. And I suppose criticism is necessary in order to help someone see what they are doing is wrong, but how often is it actually done with love? And not that "love" that says, "I'm only pointing out your sin because if you don't repent you're going to an eternal hell." (Yes, I brought that up because I do see the belief in ETERNAL REJECTION AND POINTLESS TORTURE as the main problem with dividing humanity into "us" and "them." I know the Bible speaks of separating the "sheep and goats"...but eternal does not need to be applied, nor does it make any sense because the meaning of eternal is "no BEGINNING or ending."  If we could actually believe there is redemptive purpose in God's judgements then maybe we could love our enemies as we are called to do, and actually love our neighbor as our self, instead of just pretend to.)

I'm going to conclude with a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr:

"Jesus eloquently affirmed from the cross a higher law. He knew that the old eye-for-eye philosophy wold leave everyone blind. He did not seek to overcome evil with evil. He overcame evil with good. Although crucified by hate, he responded with love. What a magnificent lesson! Generations will rise and fall; people will continue to worship the god of revenge and bow before the altar of retaliation, but ever and again the noble lesson of Calvary will be a nagging reminder that only goodness can drive out evil and only love can conquer hate."