Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Dark Night of the Soul

I couldn't get my head around it.  My mind was swimming, "I know the Holy Spirit's voice...sometimes I don't listen, but I know the voice.  Although, Satan can come as an angel of maybe I've been tricked?  But how could God allow that?  I was so genuinely asking and seeking...would He then mislead me as some kind of test?  Would He allow me to feel all that love and peace and comfort, and then just say 'not really...just making sure you can't be tricked by Satan to finally believe I can fulfill my promises'."   I knew better, but now I was wishing I could just "un-believe" it, because I understood at this point nobody else was going to believe it. (This was almost four years ago...many more people believe it now, though still nobody I know personally*)

I begged God, "Just let me have one person who can see it...just show somebody what you've shown me, and I can do this".  But He didn't...and so in a fury I told Him, "You cannot ask me to believe this by know me.  I cannot do this!",  and I determined not to believe it anymore so I could go back to my nice safe place in the church.  Only, my belief in an eternal hell did not come back...instead, my belief in God went away.  For one night, He was gone.  This was pain like I've never had...never ever.  I sobbed a scary kind of sobbing...a crazed, unstoppable sobbing.   I knew if my faith did not return, I could not go on living in that torment.  But it came back in the morning.  A simple solution illuminated my thoughts..."I guess I have to believe something I don't have permission to believe; and so what if church people think I'm nuts?".  Suddenly people thinking I was crazy was nothing--just nothing--in comparison to losing my faith in God.  I guess I could do this after all.

* Actually, God did answer my prayer and gave me someone who believed, and He did it at I time when I needed it most.  It's such a very personal story, I don't know if I can ever share it.