Suffering

(FYI, I started this years ago...probably over a decade? I finally finished; but trust me, I know I don't have all the answers and that the concepts I think are true are still beyond my ability to fully grasp.)

 

I've spoken on here a couple times about my private Facebook group for Christian moms with gay kids. It is growing daily--so much so, that it has actually split in two. There is one for the "newbies" (just sorting out what they think about the whole gay thing) and one for the the "oldies" who have been sorting for awhile and may be too "out there" for the newbies. Like any group, it's difficult to feel like you "belong" if you have very different views on things, and so divisions are made...this is the way of life.

I will say, though, that even with a split, and we the fact we can't agree on things, and we get frustrated or confused by each other's thinking - we still keep asking the hard questions. We are all a little sick of having been told nice, neat answers to everything; so we are wrestling with God and each other. And with that comes opening a few boxes that have been shut tight...boxes of hurt and pain with no explanation to make it all better.

The thread that has affected me most deeply was the post asking for people to share the darkest time in their life. I thought I could share mine, but after reading others, I just couldn't. The suffering described in those stories was beyond imagination. "How do people endure such pain?" was all I could think. I walked away from my computer, walked into the woods with my dog, and sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore.

"If God is so good, and He is in control, then why all this suffering?"...that is THE question, isn't it? Our religious communities have tried to give us answers..."It's because the devil is in control", "God made a rock so big He couldn't move it", "God is good, but He is holy, so He has no choice but to punish us", "We reap what we sow"...and on and on.

Then there is the ying/yang theory, which basically states you can't have good unless you have the opposite. Light/dark, happy/sad, death/life, winner/loser...you wouldn't understand the true meaning of one without the other. How can we become "conquerors" without having something to conquer?

I can't be the only one who loves movies with a horrible tragedy that had to be overcome. In the end, the hero/heroine finds meaning and purpose through it all. Isn't that the plot of 99% of all movies and stories? A scene from "The Matrix" has always stuck with me, when the programmers for the "reality" of life (as everyone who was plugged into experienced it, that is) explained their dilemma with humans...

"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery."

Talk about "muppets"
That is the note I had written to myself to help me finish this post that I started over two years ago. I have never had a subject matter shut me down like this one has. Suffering is the problems of all problems, and who am I to think I could have anything to say about it? But I wrestle with it often; I think most everyone does. We want suffering to have meaning somehow, and at the same time the idea that suffering is part of a "plan" can be so offensive it's unspeakable (especially when dealing with children) which explains why I just have to wrestle with it, even if I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Which I clearly don't; how could talking about muppets possibly bring any light to the mystery of suffering? I wish I could go back in time so I could remember; I bet it was good!

Though there is one scene that comes to mind from "The Muppet's Christmas Carol." Kermit (playing Bob Cratchit) is walking home from his miserable job on Christmas Eve with this crippled and dying son on his shoulder, and they are joyfully singing about keeping love alive. I know that I picture that scene often when I'm driving home from my own miserable job, and it always makes me feel better. 

 

Okay, it's 2024 and I've come back to this post. I'm ready to tackle suffering once again. And once again I'm going to bring up a weird sci-fi movie like the Matrix to try to make sense of it.  Problem is I don't think nearly as many people have watched "Severance" so I'll first briefly explain it. 

In this Apple TV series people work for a "top secret" company...so top secret in fact that they had to agree to a procedure to "sever" their brains in order to work there. This means that when they take the elevator down to work their brain forgets everything about their regular life, and when they take the elevator back up to go home it forgets everything about their work life. This essentially creates two people - one who never goes to work and one who never leaves work. Of course the reality is there is only one person...but without the consciousness to remember, it in no way feels like the same person. 

 

There is a scene when "Helly" sits to listen to a video her "outie" made for her (these two consciousness' are referred to as the "innie" and "outie") after the outie received her video asking her to resign so she could be freed. In the video Helly's outie says, "I am a person, you are not. I make the decisions, you do not. Your request is denied." 

FURY!! I HATED HELLY'S OUTIE!!! Spoiler alert - Helly decides to try and kill herself to escape her work hell...and I was rooting for her!! FUCK THAT BITCH, HELLY! But wait...how weird. I'm hating the same person. 

There is A LOT to unpack if I'm going to make spiritual connections here. Please bear with me. First off, obviously Helly's outie makes a horrible example if I'm making that God. A God that does not care about our suffering, nor experience suffering - and wouldn't you know, that is the "Man in The Sky" many view God to be.

So what spiritual connection am I trying to make? I guess the idea that if there could be two consciousnesses, but actually only one person, then there could be unlimited consciousnesses that are "one." Not being aware of this we would cause great harm to the parts we feel are "separate."  Ourselves causing horrible suffering to ourselves because of a split consciousness...I mean, yeah, it's totally weird. But the notion that when we hurt others, we hurt God, when we judge others, we judge ourselves, that we cannot obtain mercy if we do not give mercy, that we are not to look down and think we are better than anyone - that essentially we are connected, except we can't see it or believe it...well this is a major concept in most religions, and very prevalent in Christianity. There's also a Biblical concept of two selves (like the innie and outie) that I have touched on a little bit here and here, but maybe I'll explore that even more next time. For now I will leave you with some quotes I gave in a previous post from Hannah Hurnard (edited and with some changes by me) along with some other scriptures for you to wrestle with. 

"It took another twenty years (when I saw) what our Lord Jesus has revealed about God through his choosing to become incarnate in a man--namely that he is conscious of himself in all humans. Until that moment I had thought of God as conscious of everything from without...but now I saw...he is conscious of it from within. This is what the saints mean when they speak of God as immanent. God manifest in the flesh. Once, in the fullness of time, when we were able to be shown, God in Jesus Christ revealed to us the truth about Emmanuel..."God with us, reveled in us."  Every part of his incarnation, life and death on the cross--yes, and his glorious resurrection is a revelation of this truth.  
     The Jewish people found it overwhelmingly difficult to grasp the significance of a suffering God, of the Creator on a cross, just as they were so unable to understand the revelation of the presence of God actually dwelling in a tent of skins...and would not believe he was present and incarnate in a human body.  He was wounded and has been wounded for our transgressions all along...from the moment of the first sin it began to be true.  "Surly he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows", "In all their afflictions he was afflicted"...these passages now take on a marvelous and overwhelming significance, and a host of other ones as well.  Never again can I despise or be indifferent to a single individual that I meet...for I see someone in whom the eternal God and Redeemer is conscious of...feeling and bearing all they feel and bear and all the consequences of their sin and the cruel sins done against them by others.
     Here, at least as far as I can see, is the answer to the mystery of suffering...Love itself is in them, feeling it all, bearing it, crucified and rising to life making responsible to undo, in the end, all the results of sin...and bringing forth in it's own good time resurrection life out of agony and death."

 

One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. 

 

Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then are we faithless to one another, profaning the covenant of our fathers? 

 

Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? 

 

And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true

 

So we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another

 

That they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me

 

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen

With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image

 

And when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘I assure you and most solemnly say to you, to the extent that you did it for one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it for Me.’

 

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father"...The Jews who heard these words were again divided.  Many of them said, “He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?” ...Again his Jewish opponents picked up stones to stone him,  but Jesus said to them, “I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these do you stone me?” “We are not stoning you for any good work,” they replied, “but for blasphemy, because you, a mere man, claim to be God.” Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your Law, ‘I have said you are “gods”

 

For presently we see through a glass in obscurity; but then, face to face. Presently, I know in part; but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known

For if we died together — we also shall live together; if we do endure together — we shall also reign together; if we deny [him], he also shall deny us; if we are not steadfast, he remains steadfast; to deny himself he is not able.

 

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

 

(I know this is hard, but here is an image of ONE thing -- a vine. The branch IS the vine. The branch can't separate from the vine and be a thing on it's own. We can't grasp this because we experience ourselves as separate. But it is not reality. Obviously this takes a lot of faith to believe. But I also want to acknowledge that a break with "reality" can cause psychosis. You will find this kind of "oneness" talk with most cult leaders, people who have done too many drugs, and many who are obviously not mentally stable. But you also find it from many very loving and normal spiritual seekers as well as scientists. For me, to be grounded in faith, hope and love while I wrestle with this is what matters most. If paranoia, fear or self importance are the fruits of any teachings or "revelations" -- then we can be sure we are on the wrong path. )

Why I Can't Do Politics

First off, I'm depressed. I have not felt this low in a long time. I am honestly fighting thoughts about how I really don't want to be here. Not thoughts about killing myself - just a general wish that I could disappear. And yes, I'm sure most of that is because it's election night. 

I try with all my might to avoid talking politics with anyone, because I hate politics with all my being. But whenever it does come up, all I get is a lot of judgement that I'm not as angry as whomever I'm talking with. I have people I love on both sides, and I get scolded from both at how I'm just not educated enough to know how mad I should be. And clearly evil is running rampant because I'm not up in arms and fighting against it. 

"Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either—but right through every human heart”

That is a quote from Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. It really resonated with me; but I knew nothing about the man. So I just scanned through his Wikipedia page, and all I can say is wow. I knew nothing of the famine in Soviet Ukraine (considered "man made" and therefore basically genocide) that killed 6 million people in the 1930's. To say I'm "uneducated" is an understatement. I could read all day everyday, and still only scratch the surface of knowledge. But I don't need to be educated to know that horrors abound in this world...every second of every day in every country. And each one is worth being up in arms over. 

Then why aren't I angry? Why aren't I criticizing and condemning and coming against all the evildoers? The truth is, I wouldn't even know where to start. And besides, I really want to be done with criticizing and condemning. Does that mean I just close my eyes to evil? Bury my head in the sand? 

To me, letting go of my need to condemn means I am choosing a solidarity with humanity that includes the good and evil that passes through all of us. I am choosing to believe that every human is a child of God, even when they don't see it at all and commit horrible acts. And I suppose criticism is necessary in order to help someone see what they are doing is wrong, but how often is it actually done with love? And not that "love" that says, "I'm only pointing out your sin because if you don't repent you're going to an eternal hell." (Yes, I brought that up because I do see the belief in ETERNAL REJECTION AND POINTLESS TORTURE as the main problem with dividing humanity into "us" and "them." I know the Bible speaks of separating the "sheep and goats"...but eternal does not need to be applied, nor does it make any sense because the meaning of eternal is "no BEGINNING or ending."  If we could actually believe there is redemptive purpose in God's judgements then maybe we could love our enemies as we are called to do, and actually love our neighbor as our self, instead of just pretend to.)

I'm going to conclude with a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr:

"Jesus eloquently affirmed from the cross a higher law. He knew that the old eye-for-eye philosophy wold leave everyone blind. He did not seek to overcome evil with evil. He overcame evil with good. Although crucified by hate, he responded with love. What a magnificent lesson! Generations will rise and fall; people will continue to worship the god of revenge and bow before the altar of retaliation, but ever and again the noble lesson of Calvary will be a nagging reminder that only goodness can drive out evil and only love can conquer hate." 

I'm Not Ashamed of the Gospel

As the snow falls, and my regular routine is halted, I am forced to do something different than what I always do. I love routine - the comfort of not having to think. I think too much. But alas...here I am, thinking. So I'll just lean into it for today. 

My father died recently. His memorial is a week away - at the church I left 13 years ago, and partially returned to last year. It's so much to explain; a lot has happened since my last post. To sum up: I want to live as if everyone is my brother and sister. I don't want differences in belief to get in the way of how I love...so I try to show up at church whenever I can and tell myself I belong. 

But I am struggling. Case in point: the thought of the "salvation message" being brought at my Dad's funeral is causing many emotions. I met with the Pastor who is doing his funeral - a dear friend of my dad's and a dear man. It's not that love is missing. We are just on totally different pages when it comes to what a message of salvation looks like. When I was trying to explain what I was nervous about to the Pastor, I said I didn't want people to feel manipulated. He replied by saying we are told not to be "ashamed of the gospel." 

My Dad feared death. That's a normal reaction - the unknown is scary. But his faith was supposed to give him assurance, right? Except he couldn't help worrying that he wasn't going to "make it in." (Something he only confessed at the end.) So for all the talk of Jesus sacrifice erasing his sin; his sin still felt like a weight. As hard as he tried to do everything right, it never felt like enough. He was anxious, all the time, about pretty much everything. And though I'm sure much of that was his Parkinson's, I never knew my Dad as peaceful. His world view was quid pro quo, reward and punishment, and justice as retribution.Therefore, Jesus sacrifice was a payment, buying my dad out of hell. A transaction. And so Dad owed gratitude to Jesus, and devotion. But did he feel loved by God? 

What would my message of salvation be?

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love."

And when we can believe this (possibly the only "correct belief" that matters)...when we know in our heart that love is never earned - that all the gratitude and devotion and good deeds and tithes and church attendance and Bible memorizing will never earn it - we will be changed. (Salvation!) And that love, flowing now because it's not trying to be generated within our small, selfish egos, will pour out into everything and bring salvation to the whole earth. Such different good news than "Believe in Jesus so you won't go to hell when you die" -- a gospel that I am indeed ashamed of.  

Other references you may enjoy:

Rediscovering the Gospel Message

Good News, The Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand

No Need to Save Face

 

"Life is a ride not a fight,no need to save face,say goodnight grace"

(Citywide Rodeo Lyric)

I love this song by "The Weepies". It tells the story of a rodeo clown who is all washed up, and believes he's (or she's?) "not good for anything." On a deeper level, I feel it is also telling my story...and yours. It's the well understood struggle we all have with identity and meaning. 

My Christian identity struggles with the idea that life is not a fight. Of course it's a fight! Everything about it is a fight! We "fight the good fight"...it's what our whole human experience is about; if we dare claim we are on the side of good.

But then there's this thing called grace. What is it? Is it having someone else suffer my consequences so that I don't have to? How can grace be about settling a score - even if someone else settles it in my stead? But when I ask someone to "show me some grace," am I asking just to be forgiven? Forget what I've done, and don't bug me about it anymore? Or am I asking for compassion? An understanding that what I struggle with, you also struggle with. Empathize with me - don't judge me!!! I know that's the grace I need, and the grace I have to give if I expect it for myself.

When I see grace this way, then it does become a way of giving up the fight. I don't have to prove I'm the good one and you're the bad one anymore. I don't have to fight to earn love anymore. I find a different identity for both of us, for all of us, when I find an identity in grace. We all come from the same source, so there is no need to compete for a better identity, because we are united with the same identity of "child of God." The "fight" now becomes: do I actually believe it?

I looked up "Citywide Rodeo" on the internet to see what others had perceived it's meaning to be. I found this one particularly profound, and so I think it makes a fitting end:

"I think this song is about how we all fight against the perceptions people have of us - rather pointlessly, really. But there's "no need to save face" because "this is a ride, not a fight." The line "you wonder how fast you'll go when you hit the air" (getting bucked off a bull's back) is a metaphor for realizing the "dust in the stadium seats" means all your enemies and spectators were imagined. We are our worst enemies, after all. You should "step into your car" and leave your self-criticisms and feelings of insufficiency behind. "Look up at the indigo and pick out your star" means realize who you are."

Can You See the Light?

Today my husband asked me to go downstairs to "check it out". Not knowing what "it" was, I assumed he had set up the extra room for his band practice, because I knew he was wanting to do that. (Maybe there was even a new drum set?!!!) When I got to the room, nothing was set up. I was really confused. Suddenly he was behind me laughing and saying, "Do you really not know what's different?" I gave him the deer in headlights look. Let me explain that we have track lighting in that room...and just about every bulb had been burnt out for what seemed like forever. Now all the bulbs were replaced, so the room was FILLED with light...like "how in the world could you not notice" brightness after months of barely being able to see in there. But I was expecting drums, so I totally missed it. When you think you already know what "it" is, sometimes you can't see what is right in front of you. 

In reaction to my post "I Can't Sign on the Dotted Line", I have to admit I get pretty frustrated when people ask me "So, you think everyone goes to heaven when they die?" or email me, "Maybe you're right, maybe God overrides all aberrant decisions and free will." But until you can past the idea the Bible is about "knowing where you will spend eternity when you die" (a direct quote from the last funeral I attended) I'm afraid you won't be able to "see" what I'm trying to show you. Though I'm going to try anyway, but please put the "drum set" out of your mind for a minute. 

I finished the aforementioned post with the teaser, "How did Jesus go around forgiving people, when he hadn't even 'atoned' for their sin yet?" I had a dear old friend private message me this scripture:

To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray", but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. (1 Peter 2:21-23) 

Then she concluded "Kelly, this is in response to how could Jesus forgive us our sins when He had not yet atoned for them...He's perfect, that's how." I'm pretty sure she must not have been tracking with me when I asked the question, because her interpretation of this scripture is the perfect example to me of the problem. She has been taught (as the majority of Christians in this hemisphere) that the point of Jesus' perfection was so he could be the sacrifice needed in order for God to forgive us. But this scripture seems very clear to me that the point was so he could leave an example for us to follow. (Side note: how can we be expected to entrust ourselves to a "judge that judges justly" when we think God's judgment is "eternal torment for all...unless they have the free pass of believing in Jesus' atoning sacrifice"?...that is not justice, and we know it.)

I think I understand why we have trouble accepting that we are to pick up our own cross, and the reason we had to make Jesus' crucifixion about a substitute punishment. It's because the "way" Jesus is asking us to follow seems impossible. (Love our enemies? Turn the other cheek? Give away EVERYTHING?) We can't do it; we've tried. The more we try, the more obvious it becomes that we are unable. Why would he ask us to follow where we can't go? He must have only wanted to demonstrate how incapable we are of doing what he asks of us, so that he could take all this failure on himself, suffer the consequences of God's "just judgement" in our place, and then somehow magically when we die we become just like Jesus.

Except we at some level understand this is not what the Bible actually says, because all this talk about substitute punishment goes completely out the window when it comes to other people's sin. It's one reason I continue to talk about the "gay issue" --because it exposes this problem so very well. Suddenly this "free gift of salvation" changes to, "You want to be a Christian and live a 'gay lifestyle'? Oh no...unless you repent of that sin, you are going to hell. Sorry about that, but the Bible is 'clear'."

It's very confusing, when you're taught that the "grace" that gets you into heaven is a "get out jail" card Jesus earned for you... but then you read a verse that says "work out your own salvation". You are told gay folks can't be a part of the kingdom of God... but then look at the whole verse and see that greedy people can't either. How do you know if your "greed level" is low enough to get you in? You are told Jesus satisfied the wrath of God so you don't need to worry...but then you read Paul's warning to fellow believers in Rome that they are "storing up wrath for themselves". Does this wrath have to do with not receiving grace, or is it against the gayness and greediness? Actually neither; Paul was warning about judging others apart from love, something we are all extremely good at doing on a daily basis. Is Paul meaning to frighten these people into not judging others because God will send them to an eternal hell if they do? And how odd that they could "store up" something that is greater than eternal? Isn't eternal wrath kind of the maximum you can get?

Is it possible that wrath could simply mean "consequence"...like reaping what you sow...like in the measure you judge, you will be judged? You might wonder, "So does that mean if I judge others to an eternal hell, I will suffer the same fate?" Maybe if you actually thought that, you'd be more interested in the mistranslation in the Bible of eternal in regards to punishment; but my intent is not to scare you, but to free you from that fear. I don't think fear is what leads us to God. It may be the "beginning of wisdom"...the very start of our journey...but in the end, perfect love casts out all fear. 

Knowing and being transformed by this perfect love is our goal. That is the "salvation" that is being worked out in us. Are we there yet? No. Do we still suffer consequences when we act outside of the law of love? Yes. But consequences can teach us, if they are not eternal. And of course we are still "saved (transformed) by grace!" Everything we are has been freely given to us, but our egos have made it instead all about competition and proving we are better than others. When we let go and "die" to that small self who has to earn approval and love, we discover our true self! That is our life that is "hidden with Christ in God".

So, if the "good news" we are asked to proclaim is "Jesus died on a cross so God can forgive us", what is the "good news" Jesus is going around proclaiming BEFORE he dies for our sins? Maybe it's "change your thinking" (the meaning of 'repent') "because the Kingdom of God is not a place, it's right here-- inside me, a human. That is where God is...and that means God is found in you too. Start believing it!!!"

Maybe the whole point of Jesus coming was so we could see that God is inside of humanity (Emanuel...God with us, revealed in us) and through the Holy Spirit, reconcile us to the idea that we were made in the image of God. But unfortunately, as Richard Rohr states, "this full participation has been just too much for the psyche to believe."

So we switched it around to make the point of Jesus coming instead about God's plan to reconcile himself to us. We thought God needed to be appeased of his anger at us (because "justice" supposedly demands punishment, even though we are asked to forgive) so Jesus stepped up to the plate like a brave sibling taking a beating for his brother. 

But what does the scripture actually say about this "reconciled" business?

"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled US to himself" (2 Cor. 5:18)

WE are the ones that needed Jesus to show us the face of God and convince us God isn't an angry man in the sky. But there is an even better scripture about reconciliation in Colossians:
"For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself ALL things"...

Isn't that a bright light worth trying to see?

P.S. I know I alluded to many scriptures without giving the specific reference; I was worried that doing so would bog it down...but for anyone who is curious and wants to read more about the "storing up wrath" scripture, I go into more detail on the "Here Comes the Hammer" post. Here's a link...but you have to copy and paste, sorry! https://kellbell-justmythoughts.blogspot.com/2011/09/here-comes-hammer.html

I Can't Sign on the Dotted Line

Am I a Christian? At one point in my life, it was the single most important definition of who I was. But now, I struggle with that question. When I met with some of the ladies from "Freed Hearts", (a private Facebook group of Christian moms who have kids who are LGBT, many of whom have left the church because, like me, they do not believe anyone chooses to be gay) I made the comment that I didn't know if I was still a Christian. Immediately one of the moms seemed so concerned and looked me straight in the eye and proclaimed, "you ARE still a Christian!" In some instances this might have offended me (if it was intended as a "don't you dare deny Christ!" kind of way) but I knew her heart was to encourage me and help me believe that I am still connected. And I do believe that...in an existential kind of way...which is kind of the problem. My connection now is felt with the whole of humanity, and that puts me in direct conflict with the religion of Christianity. 

You don't see the conflict? You think Christianity is about loving your neighbor as yourself? I know it wants to be, and I know it tries to be. But the verse does not say "as good as you treat yourself", but instead just "as yourself"...like, "you and I are one". Jesus even said "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me". But Christianity has a tough time figuring out who the "brothers and sisters" are. I came face to face with that conflict as I was trying to figure out how to get health insurance now that I've quit my job.

A friend, who is a cheapskate like me, (I prefer the term "frugal") recommended looking into a Christian based insurance company because of it's low cost. I cringed and said "I don't go to church anymore". He, like the sweet gal mentioned earlier, was unfazed and said it didn't matter, because that's not what makes a Christian. With a bit of trepidation, I said I'd look into it.

I didn't have to look far to know I couldn't sign on the dotted line. And it hurt. I hadn't realized how much I wanted to be able to "pass" as a Christian, and to feel like even though we have varying understandings of scripture, a love for Jesus and a desire to follow him is what unites us. But "love" was not mentioned once in the "testimony and commitment form" required to qualify. Let me tell you what the #1 thing I needed to agree not to do in order to belong, and I do mean literally the very first thing on the list:

• I do not engage in sex outside of traditional Biblical marriage, which is a union of one man and one woman. I understand that when any member of the family chooses not to live by these principles, I have a responsibility to notify the Christian Care Ministry. (My LGBT daughter is currently not in a relationship, so I guess she might be covered until I had to "report" her. I wonder if remarried people give notice every time they have sex, since that is outside a traditional marriage as well.)

But the fact is, I wouldn't have even made it to the sin management page, because first I had to agree to all the "correct beliefs" on the "Statement of Faith" page; beliefs like #2:

• "I believe the Bible is God's written revelation to man and is verbally inspired, authoritative and without error."

So I'm assuming that "authoritative and without error" means "we get to tell you what rules are the important ones by pulling out a scripture and you don't get to question it". It doesn't matter that the apostle Paul questioned scripture by declaring circumcision unnecessary, and basically taught that the Spirit leads and has authority instead of the letter of the law. It doesn't matter that he said "We are not bosses who tell you what to believe..." (2 Cor.1:24) because Christianity is now a religion about correct belief. Mark all the boxes about doctrine, and you're in. And don't ask questions, because all the correct beliefs are already 100% understood and the Bible is "without error".

So, I couldn't agree that I believe the Bible is without error, because I know of one very important error in translation that has led to a central belief in Christianity that I think is completely wrong. If you are bracing yourself for a lecture on the nuances of the Greek word "arsenokoitai" in regards to homosexuality, you can relax, because I'm not going there. I'm talking about a much bigger foundational belief--the one that doesn't just say homosexuals are sinning, but that they are going to an eternal hell. (Along with Buddhists, Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, and everyone else who does not believe the correct things, including probably me. Oh, and Carrie Fisher and George Micheal, according to Franklin Graham's latest Facebook post.)

The word I'm speaking of is "aion", which has been translated as "eternal" in a few important verses, even though that is not it's meaning. "Aion" is used and translated in many places in the Bible. Definitions include "a cycle of time" or an "age" or "one of the many ages stretching into eternity". That is quite a contrast to "eternal", which denotes having no beginning and no end. So whenever "aion" is translated "eternal" instead of "age", it is saying not only that the punishment will never end, (a thought too horrible to imagine...not to mention completely pointless) but that it has no beginning. How can a punishment have no beginning? If the naughty "goats" (vs the good sheep in Jesus' parable in Matthew 25) are to "go away to eternal punishment", how is that possible?* And wouldn't it be a relief to clarify that if you find yourself in the "goat" category (which ironically are those who did not understand that helping the "least of these" was helping Jesus) that any correction you receive would be for a period of time, for the purpose of teaching you something? (Why do you prune a tree? To hurt it? Did you know the Greek word translated as "punishment" in this verse was one that was used to describe the pruning of trees? Who cuts off branches so they can "punish" the tree?) A good parent disciplines their children to teach them something, don't they? Isn't that the whole point? And it does seem that the Bible tries to explain God in the same way, as in: "When your judgments come upon the earth, the people of the world LEARN righteousness" (Is. 26:9) or "For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child" (Heb 12:6)

But I guess this sort of loving discipline is only for Christians, because those are the ones God loves. Of course Christians will argue and say God loves everyone, and gives them a chance at "salvation" (which to them means forgiveness and going to Heaven when you die) but that darn free will just gives God no other choice than to send everyone who doesn't say the sinner's prayer before death to a place of suffering WITH NO END...and how can we argue, when we are told it's what we all deserve anyway.

I know I'm being a little snarky. I'm sorry, it comes from a place of deep frustration. It's not that I want to be disrespectful to Christians. Most of my family and friends are Christian. I know that their hearts are not to condemn people and they are truly loving. They roll their eyes at the preachers that stand on corners with signs, and understand this is no way to demonstrate the love of God. 

But these same Christians would still agree that "belief in Jesus is the only way to eternity in heaven", (another box I couldn't check) so even though they would ridicule this guy's sign, (and who wouldn't?!) that theology means for sure the Atheists and Muslims are indeed headed to eternal damnation...the only two that have nothing to do with actions! (well, besides "yoga pants") Oh well, too bad, so sad; but they "chose" it, so let's not talk about it. Except I have to talk about it, because if only we would revisit this one mistranslation, the theology does not read this way. And once you can start reading the Bible without the lens of "where will you spend eternity when you die?", you begin to see it's so much more about living than it is about dying. And "belief" is no longer a scary "do I believe the correct things about Jesus so that God won't reject me", but rather, "can I really believe I am one with Jesus, who said he was one with God?" And then "the kingdom of God" is something so much more than where we go after death...it's something that is found "within us". And that kingdom can be used to make a difference in the here and now. 

And what about some other beliefs that the Bible says are important? I wish there were other boxes to check on a "Statement of Faith" form. For instance:

• "I believe Christ came claiming the human race as His own, to the end that He would save and restore the entire race, not just part of it".(1 Cor. 15:22 "For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive." John 12:32 "And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself") 

Or maybe even one that said:

• "I believe God will never give up on anyone"(Luke 11:22 "What man of you, having 100 sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the 99 in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, UNTIL HE FINDS IT?")

Or how about:

• "I believe death is not an obstacle to the power of God" (1 Peter 4:6 "For to this end the Good News was preached even to the dead, that they might be judged indeed as men in the flesh, but live as to God in the spirit". Rev 20:14 "Fear not...I have the keys of death and Hades")

Then maybe "salvation" could be seen as something bigger and better than making it into heaven when you died...maybe even something as big as EVERYTHING being restored to it's fullness. (For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself ALL things, whether ON EARTH OR IN HEAVEN. Col 1:20)  If this is what our "hope of salvation" was, then we wouldn't be drawing lines to figure out who is in and who is out; but instead that hope would be moving us forward in love and trust that "neither DEATH OR LIFE, or angels nor rulers, or things present or things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor ANYTHING else in all creation, will be able to separate US from the love of God". **(And if "us" does not mean all of humanity, then this love is conditional: how can it not be?)

And if we truly believed this, then we wouldn't even need "Christian insurance" that was only for those who could mark the correct boxes. We would want to care for our neighbor, whoever that might be, as if we were caring for ourselves; because we would truly believe that we are all in this together.

*It was pointed out to me that "eternal" can also be defined as "perpetual", which does infer a beginning. Though if you look at all the places that "aion" has been translated to "eternal", I think you will find that "perpetual" still would not fit. But you don't need to take my word for it. The "Young's Literal" translation has it correct as "age-during". It was published in 1862 and is considered by many scholars to be the most accurate. You can find this translation in any Bible translation search engine.

**This scripture is found in Romans 8:38-39, and it does go on to say "that is in Christ Jesus our Lord". I left that out, because Christians will take that part and say "see, it's only those who believe in Jesus that are not separated from the love of God". But I will address that next time when I tell you why I couldn't mark the other "correct belief" box on the Christian insurance website saying "I believe our sin is forgiven only through faith in Christ and his atonement for our sin." But here's a teaser...how did Jesus go around forgiving people, when he hadn't even "atoned" for their sin yet?

#PleaseStay

I don't talk much about my teenage suicide attempt. My 16 year old self almost feels like a completely different person; someone who obviously couldn't imagine my now 48 year old self. But I do remember her, and the horrible lies she struggled with.

Maybe "lies" is not the right word. They were accusations, condemnations, criticisms...and the reason they hurt me so much was because there was always some truth to them. "You claim to love God and others, but all you ever think about is yourself"..."it's because you're so vain that you care so much about what others think of you," and so on and so forth. It was that critical voice I'm sure anyone reading this is familiar with, even if they did not grow up religious. But along with these observations about my shortcomings came downright lies - "You will never change"..."You are such a disappointment"..."You would be better off if you weren't even here." It only takes one night of drinking and listening to that voice and a split second decision to take a bunch of pills to end a life. I'm thankful beyond words that it didn't end mine.

When I say I feel so much different than that 16 year old who criticized herself too much, I don't mean to imply that voice is not still a part of my daily existence. I am all about analyzing my actions and the motivations behind them. But this is what my 16 year old self did not understand: that being kind to myself did not mean I was ignoring the things I wanted to change. I can observe my not so great behavior with compassion now. It's okay to mess up: it's how I learn. The voice is mostly gentle now - encouraging and accepting. I could not believe back then that I should love my dark side; but now I see that opening myself up to the foundational truth that love cannot be earned is the only thing that actually changed me. To me, it is the very meaning of grace, and what it means to be saved (transformed) by it.

So to any young soul reading this, or old soul still learning to quiet their condemning voice, I want to end with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Richard Rohr: "In the Economy of Grace, nothing is wasted." When I can apply this belief to myself and others, then I can keep hoping that no mistake, hurt, or mess is beyond having the ability to be used to transform us. And none of it, ever, can take away our value. You are loved. You are precious.You are a part of all of us. We are children of God. Please stay and keep trying to see it. Life is worth it. You are worth it.