Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Heart Embraces a Difficulty

"It is not always easy to discriminate between the voice of the ego, and the voice of our beloved. But there is a distinct difference: the words of the ego and mind belong to duality, the words of the heart carry the imprint of oneness. In the heart, there is no argument, no you and me, just an unfolding oneness. The heart embraces a difficulty, while the ego takes sides."

This is a paragraph from a book that teaches about the "Prayer of the Heart".  I write them here, because when I read it, I was really struck to the core.  This is because I am having a difficulty with a friend--and I am certainly taking sides. When it comes to the gay issue, I've just about had it with 'evangelicals'. (it's a broad term, I know, and of course that doesn't entail all evangelicals...just the mean ones ;) ) Honestly, I want nothing to do with them. Oneness seems absolutely impossible. I was so sick of acting like I respected their right to believe homosexuals are choosing to sin against God's law and therefore going to hell...but I felt I had to because if I expected them to respect my right to believe differently from them, I needed to respect their right to believe differently from me. (which meant I was not allowed to get mad about it--as they were always so very quick to point out if I ever challenged them) But like I said--I just couldn't do it anymore, and let one of my fundamentalist friends know exactly how I was feeling. (and I was not feeling nice)

I don't think it was wrong for me to let my friend know my deep hurt. I know I was just being honest about what was really going on inside my heart and mind, because I was sick of faking nicey nice. And yes, part of that hurt is my ego not liking people looking down on me...and yes, that is a hurt that strikes out and is not Godly. But it's more than that; it's also seeing what those beliefs do to people--wonderful, kind, caring people who happen to be gay and who are treated like dirt--and it hurts my heart and it makes me exceedingly mad. The problem is, there is nothing in me that wants to 'embrace' this difficulty, and see it as an opportunity God can use.  I don't want to love this friend as myself--instead I would like to write her off and be done.  Avoid her and run from the pain.  I feel justified, because there is no reasoning with a evangelical, and she could never really listen to what I had to say anyway. Yes, evangelicals would be insulted at that statement, (admittedly, it's a stereotype) but like many stereotypes--there is truth in it...for a great explanation of why there is truth in it:

Whether I'm justified in these feelings or not, it doesn't change that God says she is my sister, and love is not optional. How do I embrace this conflict?  How do I allow it to expose and destroy my ego?  I'm not sure, to tell you the truth.  That's why I go to God in prayer.  I have to trust and believe He can do all things.  Impossible oneness must be possible--why would Jesus pray for us to be one if it was impossible? I can't just throw my arms up and say "I'm done".  Please help me Lord--sometimes it's so hard to love.