Help in our Weakness (soap journal #5)

6/6/07

S) Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin. So whenever we are in need, we should come bravely before the throne of our merciful God. There we will be treated with undeserved kindness, and we will find help. (Heb. 4:15-16)
O) I will believe that Jesus understands what I'm going through, even though he came to earth as a male. He has compassion, and he will help me.
A) I'm going to really try to start memorizing scripture--starting here. I need to fight my thoughts--they are like poison! God has given me hope through His word.
P) I know you will help me--thank you for your promises. You are my salvation, and I put all my trust in you.

When I wrote this, I was really struggling with depression, as I so often did back then. It's hard even now, when I get stuck in that dark cloud, to fight the thoughts about what a failure I am. But something that has changed is how much God has convinced me that He is on my side. I don't feel the shame I used to for struggling with depression, and I am much quicker to "come bravely" to God seeking help. And even when I don't find help...or at least I'm not understanding how to be helped...I do find comfort.

I find it interesting that the above translation says we will find "undeserved kindness".  Isn't it awful to think of ourselves as not even deserving to be treated kindly? It sure is hard to come boldly to God when we think He can just barely stand our disgusting presence. But in the Young's literal translation it simply says, "we may come near, then, with freedom, to the throne of the grace, that we may receive kindness, and find grace -- for seasonable help." 

So many Christians I know have very, very little patience for other people's weaknesses--and they are not ashamed to convey how disgusted they are at people's behavior. This whole passage about Jesus being a high priest on our behalf is pretty tough to wrap the brain around--especially because most people (including myself) do not understand Jewish customs of sacrifice. But look how beautiful the following verses are when Paul is describing what a priest is: (I'm using "The Message", only because the Young's Literal is quite cumbersome at times--especially in this passage)

Every high priest selected to represent men and women before God and offer sacrifices for their sins should be able to deal gently with their failings, since he knows what it’s like from his own experience. But that also means that he has to offer sacrifices for his own sins as well as the peoples’.
No one elects himself to this honored position. He’s called to it by God, as Aaron was. Neither did Christ presume to set himself up as high priest, but was set apart by the One who said to him, “You’re my Son; today I celebrate you!”(Heb 5:1-6)

Jesus--the high priest, as well as the sacrifice. And God, instead of being so angry at people because they are such sinners, chooses only those who can deal gently with their failings--and says they are honored to do so! Such compassion and grace! No wonder we can come with boldness, and have assurance that God is for us no matter what kind of failings we have. 

Boasting (soap journal #4)

6/4/07

S) The scriptures say, "if you want to brag, then brag about the Lord." You may brag about yourself, but the only approval that counts is the Lord's approval. (2 Corn. 10: 17-18)
O) Everything about this world urges us to make a name for ourselves. We feel less than nothing if we cannot point to something and boast "this is what I do". I know I long for people's approval in everything I do. I do not need to be a slave to that!
A) I may not always know what God wants me to do--but I have God's approval. And it has nothing to do with what I accomplish...but what He has accomplished. That's all that matters--and I can brag! Brag about how good my God is. He deserves all glory and praise, not me.
P) I get depressed because I'm so focused on myself. I am sick to death of thinking about what a failure I am...help me stop! I will look to you and find contentment. You are all I need--help me live it!

Looking at this now, I want to only point out one thing. I wrote that "the world" urges us to make a name for ourselves, and I still think that is true. But when I looked up this scripture in it's context, Paul is once again at war with religion. All this boasting he's warning of has to do with religious superiority.

I still fight with depression about feeling bad about myself, but not nearly as much as I did when I was a fundamentalist. It seems back then it was a sin to ever feel good about anything. The security I find in God's love for me--this is still what wins that battle in my mind. But I no longer have to worry about feeling guilty over feeling good about accomplishing things (or guilty about not accomplishing things...sheesh, talk about a no win situation)...it's more of a freedom knowing that is not where my value lies.

Where does my value lie? "For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."(Col. 3:3) My life hidden in Christ...my true self, not yet revealed or known. What a beautiful mystery. 

I'll end with a quote a found on a website I really enjoy:
(http://www.journeywithjesus.net/)

Instead of striving for significance in titles, honors, and success, as if those might gain us favor with God or man, we enjoy the knowledge that we are simply human beings loved by God. To live as a child is to live free of the self-justifications that adults use to prove their worth, and the heavy burden of self-consciousness about our status. To live like a child, says Jesus, is the only way to enter his kingdom.

Going Forward

I am stuck. Stuck in fear, in anger, in frustration, in despair. This is a place I do not want to stay...who would?  The problem is...well, the stuck part. It seems I am unable to move. I keep making attempts at getting myself out, only to find I'm in deeper than I was before. Getting stuck works that way. Your pulling your foot out of the mud, and it seems like it's coming out...but as soon as your strength gives out, you find now it's not just your foot, but your ankle that's in as well. Or your pulling off your ring, but it's just making the finger swell, until it feels impossible to get it off--and it's getting more painful by the minute.

But when we get stuck, given time, we usually find a way to get unstuck. We figure out what we were doing wrong--someone tells us to use bleach (it really does work well to get a ring off) or we angle our foot differently and we finally ease it out. Sometimes though, all we can hope for is someone to come and help us, because we are in just too deep.

There are a couple things that keep coming to mind, as I sit in this stuck place. Many verses speak of waiting for the Lord, and finding strength in that posture. Obviously, just sitting and doing nothing is usually not very helpful when something needs changing. The thing is, there are so many times we just don't know what to do, or the things we are doing just aren't helping at all. And so, to wait means to hope that an answer will come...to not give up, but keep looking for it. 

The other thing that keeps coming to mind is the idea of pressing forward--which seems to contradict waiting. Though, if waiting can be as I just mentioned (hoping and searching and believing that there is an answer to the stuckness) then I think moving forward can still work in that context. Maybe moving forward is asking for help, or trying a new approach. 

In my stuck place (there are many, but in this case it's my lingering anger at 'the church') my new approach is making the decision to return to a weekly Sunday morning worship service. (at a 'reconciling church'...which means they accept gays) I think it's the answer I've gotten to my constant "what do I do now" inquires to God, and it seems I'm finally ready. A big part of going forward is not looking back, and this is still something I struggle with daily. I have to keep reminding myself that looking back in disappointment or bitterness is a sure way to work the foot deeper in the muck. 

Despair is giving up on a better future...faith is believing a better future is always possible. I believe God has this better future in mind, and He can see it even when I can't. That vision for a church united and working towards the kingdom of God here on earth is what I need to keep pressing toward, even when there is such deep and hurtful disagreements.

The Devil Part 2

Many Christians, including myself, grew up believing "Satan" is a fallen angel who is in charge of hell.  Many of my friends even now would be extremely uncomfortable knowing I don't believe this anymore. Keith Green (a popular Christian singer from the 80's) had a song that warned of this disbelief called "Satan's Boast" with the ominous verse:

And as your life slips by you believe the lie
That you did it on your own but don't worry
I'll be there to help you share
A dark eternal home, a dark eternal home

So I understand the fear of questioning these things.  But I have come to a place where I have to question these things--not because I want to disprove the Bible and destroy people's faith. I want to understand the Bible, and I want a real faith...one that can survive deep questions. 

And so, my last post ended with the question, "if Satan isn't a fallen angel, then what is he?"  The Bible explains that the devil and the adversary (satan being the Hebrew word meaning adversary, as explained last time) are the same thing as the great dragon and the old serpent.  All these images are trying to convey the same thing...but what?

The book of Revelation uses imagery for everything--anyone who interprets Revelations as literal (as in a literal star falling to the literal earth) is just nuts in my opinion. (Especially when 'star' is used over and over in the old testament when talking about a person.)  A number of years ago a Christian book series came out that 'explained' Revelations as completely literal. (the "Left Behind" series) It took a verse like this:  

"And the likenesses of the locusts [are] like to horses made ready to battle, and upon their heads as crowns like gold, and their faces as faces of men, and they had hair as hair of women, and their teeth were as [those] of lions, and they had breastplates as breastplates of iron"...  

and told the story of these real locusts that went around tormenting people after all the good Christians got taken up to heaven and out of harms way.  It makes me so angry I can't even discuss it anymore--because I know far too many Christians that take those books as completely legitimate. 

So, moving forward with the idea that everything in the Bible does not need to be taken literally, but can be speaking of truths in more mysterious and poetic language, let's look at the verses about the devil. The first time the word 'devil' is used is in the story of Jesus' temptation in the wilderness. First of all, it says Jesus was led into the wilderness by the Spirit, for the purpose of being tempted. (Where the devil is also called the "Tempter.") Many sermons have been given about the tempting of Jesus--it's certainly rich in meaning.  In Anne Rice's book, Christ the Lord: the Road to Cana, she depicts the Devil as Jesus dressed in fine clothes, coming to himself and trying to convince himself to do it all "his" way--take charge basically, and prove who he is, without all the suffering business.  I found it very interesting, and I'll confess, this is becoming more and more my idea of what the devil really is.  Not a fallen angel...but something in us that needs to be fought and resisted.

In the book of John, Jesus saves an adulteress woman from getting stoned, and subsequently he gets into quite an argument with the religious leaders of his day.  First they are questioning his authority...who the heck does he think he is, anyway?  Jesus basically says his authority comes from his Father, and then he says they don't know his Father, because if they did, they would have loved Jesus.  The religious experts not knowing God?  How dare he!  Jesus tells them he can set them free from sin, and of course they are very insulted and say they are no slaves--they are children of Abraham!  Then Jesus really lets them have it, and says:   "You are of a father -- the devil, and the desires of your father you will to do; he was a man-slayer from the beginning (not an angel?) and in the truth he hath not stood"

In Luke Jesus tells Simon that the Adversary did ask for himself to sift him like wheat. This is at the last supper, when Jesus is instructing them on humility, and how the kingdom of God is not like earthly kingdoms that "exercise lordship" over people. He also tells all 12 they will sit on thrones and judge the 12 tribes of Israel. (even Judas, whom he described as "a devil"?)

Paul warns in his letter to Timothy not to let a new convert become a leader, "lest having been puffed up he may fall to a judgment of the devil" and "into a snare of the devil".  In his second letter to Timothy, Paul instructs, "a servant of the Lord is not to strive, but be gentle unto all, patient under evil, in meekness instructing those opposing, that they (the people opposing) may awake out of the devil's snare"

In 1 Corinthians, Paul advises the people to "deliver up such a one to the Adversary for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus" (knock on the doors of hell and tell Satan the ex-angel you have a delivery?) 

In 2 Corinthians Paul describes his thorn in the flesh as given to him by a  "messenger of the adversary", so Paul can be buffeted and not exalted too much. 

In 1 Timothy, Paul says he did deliver up Hymenaeus and Alexander to the Adversary, so they "might be instructed not to speak evil".

It seems this adversary has a lot to do...sifting, buffeting, testing...even instructing.  Could it be this adversary is with us for a purpose?  Is he literally sneaking around, as Peter describes, devouring people?  When you look around, and see people's lives destroyed and 'devoured'...what is it that has done that? What battle have they lost?  Is it not their own pride, arrogance, ego...their inability to recognize and admit their own shortcomings?  Their refusal to forgive and give grace to others; their inability to see others as no different than themselves?  I know for myself, these are the things that torment me most, and these are the things I battle with daily. 

In the end, whatever this devil is or isn't--the more important thing might be to ask; does he win?  If this devil has power over death (Heb. 2:14) then does death win in the end? Not according to Paul, who also writes in Hebrews this promise:

and when this corruptible may have put on incorruption, and this mortal may have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the word that hath been written, `The Death was swallowed up -- to victory;  where, O Death, thy sting? where, O Hades, thy victory?'

and the sting of the death [is] the sin, and the power of the sin the law;

and to God -- thanks, to Him who is giving us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ;

And another promise in 1 Corinthians:

 then -- the end, when he may deliver up the reign to God, even the Father, when he may have made useless all rule, and all authority and power --

 for it behoveth him to reign till he may have put all the enemies under his feet --

the last enemy is done away -- death  

And the best promise of all:

 for even as in Adam all die, so also in the Christ all shall be made alive (1 Corn. 15:22)

The Guy in the Red Suit...and it ain't Santa

I often hear Christian's say, "You have to believe in Satan if you're going to believe in God." I don't exactly disagree...but I would add that WHAT you believe about them both is going to effect your life drastically. I've had Christian's tell me Satan is in control of the earth, and so why bother trying to change things or make things better. I know of Christian's who couldn't walk past a clothing store in the mall (too many skulls on the shirts) because demons might posses them. And the theology of an eternal hell, where everyone who doesn't say the sinner's prayer before death will end up, would suggest that ultimately Satan is the victor.  

But what does the Bible really say about Satan? I've mentioned before that I mostly use the Young's Literal Translation now, because of it's accuracy. (Published in 1862) It's just a fact that translators change things to fit what they think it should be saying.  But, I really want to know what the text said originally, even if it doesn't fit or make any sense to me. Granted, even the best translation might not completely convey what the author was trying to originally say. There's a reason people say "lost in translation," because culture differences and language barriers are very real things...not to mention decades of time changing word meanings.

So, back to Satan...that name is not used even once in the Young's Literal. "Adversary" is the word used - satan is just the Hebrew word meaning adversary or opposer, and it's used for anyone or thing that challenges the faith of humans. (Remember Jesus telling Peter to "get behind me satan"?  I've heard quite a few sermons trying to explain this, but it sure makes more sense when you just use the word adversary.) Jews would have understood this - though they had their own fables and such about "Beelzeboul, ruler of the demons." (Who they claimed gave Jesus his power.) Christians are the ones who made satan into "Satan" as a personal name for the fallen angel.

The idea of this ruler of the underworld being the fallen angel who was in charge of music wasn't constructed until probably the 19th century. And the four scriptures used to weave together this tale...well, let's just say there is some embellishment to say the least. I'm only going to address one of the four:

       How you have fallen from heaven,
       O morning star [KJV: Lucifer], son of the dawn!
       You have been cast down to the earth,
       you who once laid low the nations!(Isaiah 14:12)

Another name for Satan - Lucifer. This is the ONLY time this name is used. Why?  It's not even a name. Again, lucifer is just the Hebrew word meaning shining one or light bringer. And why is this referring to Satan?  It goes on about this "light bringer" a few verses down:

       Those who see you stare at you,
       they ponder your fate:
       "Is this the man who shook the earth
       and made kingdoms tremble,

       the man who made the world a desert,
       who overthrew its cities
       and would not let his captives go home?"

Hummm...maybe if it would have said "the angel," we would have something. I'm going to end here saying I do believe we have an adversary we are fighting against. I really struggle with trying to understand what that is, and what exactly "the devil" is, if he isn't a fallen angel. So much of the Bible and all things spiritual are difficult and a pursuit to understand. I'm glad, because I don't want to settle for believing something just because someone told me I have to. Next time I'll address some of the verses that talk about the devil, so I can ponder them and ask God to help me gain wisdom. 
 Part 2 go to http://kellbell-justmythoughts.blogspot.com/2012/07/devil-part-2.html

Forgiveness (soap journal #3)

5/11/07
S) When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair...yes, for your sake and with Christ as my witness, I have forgiven whatever needed to be forgiven.  I have done this to keep Satan from getting the better of us. (2 Corn. 2: 7,11)
O) Everyone is hurt when we hold on to bitterness.  We cannot function as Christians until we forgive each other.
A) At this point, I am not struggling with this. But I have a friend who is. How can I help her?
P) Lord, help this person forgive. Help her find peace and rest in your love. Please show her it's ok to let go--in fact, it's necessary. Use me if you can. Please give me the courage to speak truth in love.

Well, I may not have needed that then, but I sure need it now.  Relationships are complicated.  I believe in forgiveness...in a big way.  I've experienced how powerful and transforming it is to 'let go'--to give the grace you know you need yourself.  But, Christians often take a scripture like this and just plop it right down as something to be obeyed like brushing your teeth at night, and "ta-da", no more relationship problem!  I don't think I need to point out it doesn't work that way. 

I am praying--probably everyday--for things to be better between me and the people I feel so hurt by.  Though, it's not about forgiving sin exactly, but about struggling with having completely different ways of seeing things. (as I explained on my last post) I know Paul had the same kind of struggles in his day with the religious people around him--the ones demanding that believers get circumcised and such. And he didn't seem to make any apologies about not wanting to have anything to do with them...so maybe I'm ok with making some boundaries for the time being.

I was going to write some thoughts on "keeping Satan from getting the better of us", but I think I'll save it.  But I really wonder if when Christians say this (as my fundamentalist friend did when she announced she forgave me for that very reason--though I can't say I believe she actually does) they really believe "Satan the fallen angel and ruler of the underworld" is the one behind planting these bitter seeds.  I understand they have to believe in a literal Satan in order to make it to heaven...but how can he be tempting everyone on the planet simultaneously as well as torturing the souls in hell all at the same time?  I wonder if they ever really think about it?  Next time maybe I'll discuss the four scriptures that are supposed to 'prove' the whole story about Satan being the best of the angels until he blew it.  You are going to be shocked.

The Heart Embraces a Difficulty

"It is not always easy to discriminate between the voice of the ego, and the voice of our beloved. But there is a distinct difference: the words of the ego and mind belong to duality, the words of the heart carry the imprint of oneness. In the heart, there is no argument, no you and me, just an unfolding oneness. The heart embraces a difficulty, while the ego takes sides."


This is a paragraph from a book that teaches about the "Prayer of the Heart".  I write them here, because when I read it, I was really struck to the core.  This is because I am having a difficulty with a friend--and I am certainly taking sides. When it comes to the gay issue, I've just about had it with 'evangelicals'. (it's a broad term, I know, and of course that doesn't entail all evangelicals...just the mean ones ;) ) Honestly, I want nothing to do with them. Oneness seems absolutely impossible. I was so sick of acting like I respected their right to believe homosexuals are choosing to sin against God's law and therefore going to hell...but I felt I had to because if I expected them to respect my right to believe differently from them, I needed to respect their right to believe differently from me. (which meant I was not allowed to get mad about it--as they were always so very quick to point out if I ever challenged them) But like I said--I just couldn't do it anymore, and let one of my fundamentalist friends know exactly how I was feeling. (and I was not feeling nice)


I don't think it was wrong for me to let my friend know my deep hurt. I know I was just being honest about what was really going on inside my heart and mind, because I was sick of faking nicey nice. And yes, part of that hurt is my ego not liking people looking down on me...and yes, that is a hurt that strikes out and is not Godly. But it's more than that; it's also seeing what those beliefs do to people--wonderful, kind, caring people who happen to be gay and who are treated like dirt--and it hurts my heart and it makes me exceedingly mad. The problem is, there is nothing in me that wants to 'embrace' this difficulty, and see it as an opportunity God can use.  I don't want to love this friend as myself--instead I would like to write her off and be done.  Avoid her and run from the pain.  I feel justified, because there is no reasoning with a evangelical, and she could never really listen to what I had to say anyway. Yes, evangelicals would be insulted at that statement, (admittedly, it's a stereotype) but like many stereotypes--there is truth in it...for a great explanation of why there is truth in it: 
http://www.kathyon.blogspot.com/2011/10/why-you-cant-reason-with-evangelical.html

Whether I'm justified in these feelings or not, it doesn't change that God says she is my sister, and love is not optional. How do I embrace this conflict?  How do I allow it to expose and destroy my ego?  I'm not sure, to tell you the truth.  That's why I go to God in prayer.  I have to trust and believe He can do all things.  Impossible oneness must be possible--why would Jesus pray for us to be one if it was impossible? I can't just throw my arms up and say "I'm done".  Please help me Lord--sometimes it's so hard to love.