Moving On

I know I have been angry, and I've hated it. Anger is an emotion I've never been comfortable with. I hate to generalize, but I do think most women have been trained to avoid anger...or at least to avoid looking angry. Anger is not sweet, submissive, or beautiful-- which is what we are told women should be. We may master annoyance, or feeling "hurt"; neither of which can contain true rage. That emotion is too powerful and scary, and speaking for myself, I have had no idea how to deal with it. Recently though, I find my bitter and accusatory voice has quieted itself substantially. I don't know if I can say I've come to accept my anger, or if I've made peace with it, or what exactly has happened. Though it seems I'm finally at a place to move past it, which has been my prayer all along. 

I will say this though, I don't know if I could have made it to where I am without the help of anger. That's the power of it, right? It gives us energy we didn't know we had and gives us the strength to fight. But it can be a dangerous fire, as we all know, that can do more damage than good. The Bible warns that "the wrath of man works not the righteousness of God" (James 1:20) because I think usually our ego is it's driving force. But not always. The love of God can be a wrathful fire as well, and that Spirit of God is within us. How do we operate using that Spirit, instead of our flesh? I want with all my heart to learn, and I hope with all my heart that I am.

"The Church", (or maybe religion?) has been the focus of my angry and accusatory thoughts and judgments for the last several years. The problem is, any church and every religion consists of people--real people I love and shouldn't judge. It's been a conundrum. Something that has been so helpful and soothing is to find a group of people (a FB private group of Christian moms with gay kids) that feel my pain.They get it, because they are in the same boat. I was fortunate enough to meet a handful of them in person at the Gay Christian Network's conference that was held in Portland earlier this month.The spirit of that conference, and the beautiful example of so many who are living in grace, forgiveness, and acceptance in the midst of the worst circumstances, has given me so much hope. 

The other major factor in helping me move forward is the wise writings of Richard Rohr. (along with others, of course, but I think he is my favorite) With their help, I am learning to meditate. I talk about this with almost no one; not just because it's deeply personal, but also because I'm embarrassed. I know what many Christians think about meditation, and I don't want to be judged. That's why I am so thankful for Richard Rohr and others like him, because without them I would not have dared ventured into those terrifying waters.The spirit of love, wisdom, and compassion that shines through their words helps me let go of fear, and I am deeply grateful.

I am going to end this post with quotes from the book I am reading now. These are the words that are helping me see that the steps I have taken through religion were important steps, and shouldn't be looked down on or despised. These words are healing my soul. I quote them also with the hope that the wonderful ladies from my group will also read them, as I want so badly for us all to move forward in a positive way and not get stuck in yet another group mentality that just perpetuates the divisions of "us" and "them". 

(From "Dancing Standing Still" by Richard Rohr):

"...we have to begin our spiritual journey where Jewish revelation begins, and that is with Torah: law, structure, identity, boundaries, certitude, order, authority, and clarity...this is how religion must begin. It keeps us inside the right boxing ring until we know what the real issues are and what is worth fighting for...however, there must be something more than Law, or we have no need to go on any journey at all, much less a journey of faith"

"Once we move to stage two, there is an emergence of inner authority. The first level relies almost exclusively on outer authority. Once you begin to know for yourself, once you've gone deep and have met the Holy One, you find that your reliance upon outer authority lessons...Many people are so angry and disillusioned with where outer authority has led history, governments, and churches that they pull all authority inside themselves: 'I won't trust any tradition, any big explanation, anything except my experiences. I will personally create meaning'." 

"If you stay in stage one (conformity) or stage two (criticism) you are in no way ready for mystery, paradox, the collision of opposites that is the Cross, or, quite simply, you are not ready for adult faith...the movement from stage one to stage two is experienced as a major dying...This is why there is so little transformative religion; much religion is either a belonging and belief system that asks almost nothing of you, or a reward/punishment system that, of course, doesn't really invite you to fall in love with God at all, but relies upon conformity, along with disguised threat, shame, and fear."

"However, everyone gets tired of critique after a while. We can only build on life and what we are for, not what we are against...mere critique and analysis are not salvation; they are not liberation, nor are they spacious...We only become enlightened as the ego dies to its pretenses, and we begin to be led by soul and Spirit. That dying is something we are led through by the grace of God and by confronting our own shadow."

"It took me a long time to recognize that my need to judge was not really a desire for truth, as I had convinced myself it was. My need to judge was a desire for control and to be right. That's what is taken away from us in meditation, and that's why many will never go on the inner journey. It gives us some kind of comfort to feel superior and secure; momentary comfort that 'I am right' takes away our anxiety. Don't believe me? Watch your own behavior. Control is the first need of the ego."

"The False Self will always need to win, be right, and, if possible, defeat the other...The soul defines itself by expansion and inclusion--not by saying "no," but by offering a kind of courageous, risky "yes"; "Yes, I am like everybody else, capable of the same good and the same bad. They are all my brothers and sisters." The soul knows we are all equally naked underneath our clothes."

"If your whole identity is being a Republican or Democrat, you had better not pray (meditate) you really had better not, because your Republican/Democrat identity just isn't going to mean a great deal. Nor will your black/white, gay/straight, rich/poor, American/Asian, or even Christian/non-Christian identity be your rallying cry. You are an utterly new creation, and finally "Christ is all in all".

Amen; let it be!!!

My Caterpillar Anti-Miracle

"My caterpillar died"...that was the reason I gave my pastor for why I was having a complete crisis of faith. I did a terrible job of explaining it then, (almost a year ago) and I've been hoping ever since that somehow God would make sense of it. And when I got that clarity, I would write an inspiring essay summing it all up with a neatly bundled conclusion as to why everything's going to be alright. 

Oh, how I wish I was sitting here with those answers. I want signs and wonders; I think they will give me certainty. But I think I understand now, that no matter how clear the sign or marvelous the wonders; life will bring us a reason to doubt...and sometimes more than doubt.

So, back to the caterpillar story. Caterpillars are nature's testament of resurrection. We've all used the caterpillar as a sign of hope for our future transformation, right? Except when my daughter and I stopped at a bug museum in Bremerton, I did not buy a caterpillar with any of that in mind. (I actually wanted to torment a friend of mine who is terrified of butterflies--but that's another story)

As that little jar sat on my windowsill, I don't know when it started to represent hope to me; but it did. I needed that butterfly; I needed a sign from God so I could keep hanging on. At the point when the caterpillar stopped moving, and just laid on the bottom like a rotting lump, it felt like God giving up on me. Actually, not just me, but US. That stupid caterpillar was despair on display, and every time I walked through the kitchen I wanted to weep. But I couldn't throw it away.

It was Easter time. I kept thinking about how hopeless things had looked for Jesus' disciples. Jesus was dead; it was over. None of them believed he was coming back. They were not encouraging each other to just "hang onto faith". Their only question must have been "what now?". Whether you believe Jesus rose from the dead or not, one thing is clear--it was not the faith of his followers that brought it about. So I kept thinking...even though I was certain that caterpillar was dead, it could still be alive, regardless of my thoughts towards it. 

Would you believe that on Easter morning, I found that caterpillar hanging from the top of the jar and in the process of forming his cocoon?  It's true; and it was nothing short of a miracle to me. In the following week, I shared my story of hope to my husband and daughter in the midst of their own crises, bringing even more meaning and joy to this wondrous sign that had been given to me. We all watched over that jar as if it contained the future of the universe. 

After two weeks, and even after the cocoon fell and turned into what looked like a raisin, I still could not throw it away. I put it in another room so I wouldn't have to look at it, but I still hoped with all the hope I could muster every time I dared peek that I would see a butterfly. I think it was another two weeks before I decided to bury it. I had a little funeral for that butterfly that never came to be--with just myself, and a God I feared truly might be mocking me. 

"Faith is a gift from God"--this is what the Bible tells us, and I've experienced it as true. I still have hope. In all my doubting, anger, worry, and crippling despair, God sustains me. I have no answer for it. And though I can't end this story with a tidy assurance filled image of setting my butterfly free, we know there are still butterflies in the world. I can even say I'm thankful, because my anti-miracle experience has given me a tiny comradeship with the millions upon millions of others with crushing disappointments and lack of answers. The other night on Dateline I listened to the story of a man falsely imprisoned for years. He prayed, he believed, and after many attempts he was miraculously released and granted a second trail. While awaiting his court date he basked in his freedom and lived fully, believing with all his heart he would be acquitted. I mean, how could God bring him this far, just to take it all away? I don't think I need to tell you the end of that story, and I still have more. With prayer and faith a friend's son is brought back home after being on the streets for nearly two years, only to die of a drug over dose after being clean for 10 months. How do we not cry out, "WTF God?!", or as Job so eloquently phrased the question, "Does it please you to oppress me?" Yet somehow, both these people hang on to hope in God, and they are just the tip of the iceberg. I don't mean to sum this up with anything neat and tidy, but I really think this faith in the face of all that is horrific is the real miracle...and like every miracle, it comes to us all by the grace of God. 

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

--Emily Dickinson

Living in the Light (SOAP Journal #10)

From my old journal, dated 8-2-07:

S) You belong to the light and live in the day. We don't live in the night or belong to the dark...so we must stay sober and let our faith and love be like a suit of armor. Our firm hope that we will be saved is our helmet. (1 Thes. 5:5)
O) This whole chapter is talking about looking forward to Jesus return. If we really believe it's going to happen, we will behave in such a way as to reflect that.
A) Not only do I want to stay sober in a physical sense, but especially in a spiritual sense. I will give an account for all I do in this life: I can't forget that!
P) Thank you Lord, that I no longer belong to the dark-you have brought me into the light! Help me live to show others your love; and that I really believe you're coming back.

As I am transcribing my old journal and re-examining the things I wrote, I am trying to put my finger on the things that feel prickly to me now; or that I just plain don't agree with anymore. The thing about the light vs the dark that bothers me now is how it creates an "us" (the good people that God loves) and "them"(those sinners who aren't doing the good things that we are doing).  And when this happens, the "suit of armor" becomes a way to protect ourselves from "them".

We know there is a problem with this attitude, because Jesus hung around sinners. Those "sinners" never felt like Jesus was just too good for them, and Jesus never seemed afraid of sinful people dimming his light. His light drew them! If Jesus had any words of "reproof", they had a healing affect and "woke them" into believing they were indeed loved children of God!

all the things reproved by the light are revealed, for everything that is revealed is light: for what reason he said, 'Arouse yourself, you who are sleeping, and arise out of the dead, and the Christ shall shine upon you'.(Eph. 5-13-14)

The group of people who 'slept' through Jesus first coming were the ones who were sure they already had all the answers. They didn't have any need to be told about who God was; they had their scriptures already memorized, thank you very much.

It seems to me that this idea that the "second coming" of Jesus is for the purpose of giving all those sinners what they have coming is the problem. It makes this "helmet of faith" a protection that we will be "saved" from the wrath of Jesus because we believe the correct things. Does this seem right to you? Is this what Paul means by "firm hope that we will be saved"?

I have come to a place of peace with understanding that Jesus "coming again" is a mystery. Do you realize you will never find the phrase "second coming" in the Bible? There has already been a "second" coming of Jesus. He appeared to Paul, right? If we are truly to be made into the image of Jesus, then isn't our presence in the world like a "coming" of Christ? If my "being saved" means becoming "complete and lacking nothing", then isn't my "salvation" a hope not just for myself, but for everything and everyone around me? Read this scripture with that in mind, and see if it doesn't make much more sense.

You see, all of creation has collapsed into emptiness, not by its own choosing, but by God’s. Still He placed within it a deep and abiding hope  that creation would one day be liberated from its slavery to corruption and experience the glorious freedom of the children of God. For we know that all creation groans in unison with birthing pains up until now.  And there is more; it’s not just creation—all of us are groaning together too. Though we have already tasted the firstfruits of the Spirit, we are longing for the total redemption of our bodies that comes when our adoption as children of God is complete— for we have been saved in this hope and for this future. (Rom 8: 20-24)

It seems to me we have been so focused on trying to figure out what it is we need to believe and do and perform to insure that we will be safe and not blasted by God, that we have missed the entire point of salvation. Maybe God is not interested in sending Jesus back to earth to destroy all the horrible sinners and blast the earth...maybe God is interested in refining each of us (yes, with fire...maybe it's not hateful after all) so that EVERYTHING can be transformed and salvation will come to the whole earth. I know it's not Hollywood's interpretation of the coming doom and paranoia of being "Left Behind", but it's the ending I'm hoping for. And that belief is a firm hope and a "helmet" that gets me through some dark days when it seems nothing will ever be right and good. Jesus is coming! Lord, let it be through me.

Worry (soap journal #9)

S) Don't brag about tomorrow! Each day brings it's own surprises. Don't brag about yourself, let others praise you. (Proverbs 27:1-2)
O) The Bible says several times that we shouldn't brag or worry or generally over concern ourselves with tomorrow. Certainly it doesn't mean we can't ever plan or prepare, but it's hard to know where that line is. Also, verse 20 struck me...why is it so hard to be satisfied? Is it good or bad to always be striving for more? It seems to be saying it's bad, but yet I'm always feeling guilty about not striving for more.
A) To continue to look to and depend on God for my present happiness and my future well being.
P) God, help me to find that peace and balance I so long for. I want to live each day to it's fullest, without worrying about tomorrow. (soap journal originally written October 2004)

I can't think of one time in my life I didn't struggle with this idea of not worrying about tomorrow. Even now, as much as I believe God has showed me over and over that I can trust...I can't trust. I don't think about each day's "surprises"; I think about how tomorrow everything is going to go to hell in a hand basket, because I didn't do anything right. If your wondering what verse 20 says, here it is:

Sheol and destruction are not satisfied, And the eyes of man are not satisfied.

I'm finding this connection interesting...death and destruction, and the eyes of man that can never be satisfied. This constant clamoring the ego does to surround itself with accomplishments or stuff or whatever it is that will make it feel valuable can never be satisfied...and it's hell trying. But at the same time, isn't this part of what it means to have a human existence? We struggle to survive...are we really supposed to just sit around and wait for provision to fall out of the sky like manna? Maybe we are; I mean Jesus gave thanks for the bread and the fish and there was enough for everyone...more than enough. He taught us to pray for our DAILY bread, he pointed to the birds and asked why we worry so much about taking care of ourselves when the birds are free to live their lives without worry and still have all they need. Except I do see dead birds at times, right? Death keeps us worrying; but the fact is, death comes regardless. In the meantime, I really do want to know what it means to truly live...God, please show me.

I Have Found My Peeps

I am now part of a secret society. It's a private Facebook group for mom's with gay kids. It's private because we all have come from some sort of church background, and many still haven't "come out" to anyone in their real lives. But what has been very fascinating and beautiful to see, is how we are coming out to each other in all kinds of ways. Coming out of the closet means you stop hiding and pretending your something your not; even when you know this carries a huge risk of rejection and judgement from others.

There are times in our lives where things get confusing. We feel lost, disorientated; and it seems that there is no stability or security to be found. Not many people actually talk about it; but I'm pretty sure it's true at one time or another for just about everybody. For most people in my secret group, having a gay child is what rocked their religious world and made them question certain "truths" they always took for granted. Not for me. My world was rocked years before my daughter came out; she was just the blessed straw that gave me permission to say good-bye to my religious institution.

My husband and I were the darlings of our church. He lead worship, I taught Sunday School, our kids sang in the Christmas pageants...the whole shebang. Not to make it sound like it was all show, because it really was everything to me. I wanted nothing more than to live for God; but the more I sought Him, the more clearly it became that certain things I was told I had to believe and what I was reading in the Bible didn't add up. Things didn't fit. It felt like an itch in my soul that I could never scratch.

I'm not going to go into what those questions were, or the answers I believe I found. I will say that finding those answers was the most beautiful and the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me. I knew I had now become a "heretic", because my beliefs no longer toed the Christian party line...but at least I no longer had the itch in my soul. Those itchy questions, though, only opened up a whole new set of questions. They weren't itchy in the sense that I knew something wasn't fitting...they were now achy, because this new way of seeing things opened up such a huge expanse of wonder. Wonder has three very different meanings: 1) to think or speculate curiously 2) to be filled with admiration or amazement 3) to doubt. All three fit; but #3 is the achiest. 

In all this pain and confusion, I have found solidarity. Condoning gay relationships gets you kicked out of safe zone Christianity just as fast as not believing in an eternal hell, (oops, cat's out of the bag) so we are all on the outside together. One woman in the group isn't a mom to a gay child, but she is there simply because she relates so much to this "outside" feeling.

On the Facebook page, you might see a post like this: "my whole world felt upside down-I felt like everything I depended on was being taken away from me...I didn't know where to turn or what to ask for or who to ask. I felt alone and lost". This is one way we are coming out of our closets; we have stopped pretending we have total assurance and are rock solid. With this group, I can say "I want to follow Jesus but I don't think I'm a Christian", and nobody even flinches. It's a good place to be.

Running the Race (soap journal #8)

S) I have not yet reached my goal and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize...I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. (Phil. 3:12-13)
O) I can't forget that I am going towards something--I am not just aimlessly living life. It is a daily purposeful thing--a struggle--to allow God to use everything to bring me closer to Him. Keep looking forward, don't think about past failure.
A) This is another scripture to memorize. I am not perfect (duh) but I am in Christ's hands. If I'm willing, then He's taking me towards the goal.
P) Lord, I know nothing else matters except finishing this race. Help me focus. Thank you for your work in me. (written 7/10/07)

As always, when I write these old journal entries on here, I go back to the scripture and read it in context. Some Bibles use headings to summarize the chapter's theme, and the heading for this chapter was "No Confidence in the Flesh". Seems an odd explanation for a chapter talking about having determination to run a race, doesn't it?

This is one of the most frustrating round-about teachings of Christianity. On one hand you are told that there is nothing you can do can earn your salvation. No good deeds, no rule following or self discipline will ever be good enough to earn you favor with God...it's only by grace you can be saved. Then, almost with the same breath, your told you need to do good deeds, follow the rules, and "run the race" so you can get the prize. And what is this prize we are trying to achieve? God's love? Heaven when we die?

Regardless of my beliefs when I wrote this, the struggle was obvious to me. "To allow God to use everything to bring me closer to Him". I wasn't thinking about making it to heaven, or earning God's favor...I was thinking about transformation. What does it mean to "get closer to God"? When we say that, we know we are not looking to find a literal throne where a big man with a beard is sitting so we can try to get close to Him. We know it's something that happens within us. 

And so Paul is describing this transformation as a race, because it needs to be finished. He describes exactly what he's trying to achieve:

I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

There it is--resurrection from the dead. Not making it to heaven when you die, but a transformation just like Jesus had. I know...nobody wants to think of salvation that way. Most Christians just want to think, "Jesus died for my sins and purchased my free ticket to heaven." But how can we just ignore what Paul is saying about "becoming like him in his death"? 

It's so very hard not to think of heaven as where we go when we die, though I'm not saying I don't believe in a realm that is hidden from us that will be opened to our understanding once we die. Jesus went somewhere when his physical body died...in fact, the story is he went to hell to set the captives free. But that story aside, when he rose from the dead, he came back here...and he was changed. I know what your all thinking, "Yeah, but that was JESUS. We are not to ever think we can be like him! He's the only son of God!" But listen to what Paul is saying:

the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

Everything under his control? Here is the Young's Literal translation:

who shall transform the body of our humiliation to its becoming conformed to the body of his glory, according to the working of his power, even to subject to himself the all things.

Not only is Paul saying we are to be transformed, but he is also saying that Jesus has the power to eventually "subject to himself the all things." (wouldn't that be people too?) But how?


Back to the "no confidence in the flesh" part. If you look at this chapter, you will see Paul is once again at war with religion. He describes in detail what he means by having confidence in the flesh:

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee;  as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

We cannot be transformed by following rules, but for some reason that is always where we come back to, isn't it? Am I following the right rules? It seems to me it's what Christians are always arguing about; who is breaking what rule, and how it proves they aren't really a Christian. We've been running a race alright...the race of religion, and it's gotten us nowhere but destruction. 

But I have to believe it will change...we will change. It's the power of God--LOVE--that will someday get it done.

Fearlessness (soap journal # 7)

S) I sleep and wake up refreshed because you, Lord, protect me. Ten thousand enemies attack from every side, but I am not afraid. (Ps.3:5-6)
O) David has a lot to worry about; yet he says he "wakes up refreshed", which is quite remarkable considering his circumstance. What amazing trust.
A) I may not have enemies attacking, but I have plenty I fret about, especially concerning the kids. I can relax knowing they are in God's hands. Even when situations are scary, I don't need to be afraid. 
P) Help me not think about the bad things that "might" happen. Instead, help me think about how you are our protector. Help me find peace and rest in trusting you. (written 10/11/04)

Even though I wrote this, the truth is I struggle with this idea that we are to be fearless because we know God will protect us. The reality is, we can die at any moment; and any manner of bad things could happen to us at any time. Believing the right things or following the right rules does not change that. Christians talk a lot about obedience. If you want to prove you love God, you need to obey. Though, it seems to me, much of the rule following has more to do with fear and trying to stay safe than it has to do with love. And as much as Christians want to point out how we are to obey God's commands, they are particularly bad at following the two word command that is asked of us the most in the Bible..."fear not". 

I would even go so far to say we are encouraged to fear. Fear keeps us safe--keeps us from doing stupid, foolish things. We may talk about God protecting us, but the truth is we know there are no guarantees. 

For me, trusting God does not mean believing nothing bad is going to happen. It's more of a deep hope that because God is good, no matter what happens, ultimately it's going to be ok. The problem is, I wonder if this kind of trust makes me too passive. Does it make me less proactive in trying to make things better?

When I think about fear, a couple things seem clear. 1) Anxiety never makes anything better 2) People who have made the world better usually had to take a big risk, and taking a risk requires letting go of fear. 

When I'm fearful and protective over my life, in a way, I stop truly living. When I let go of my desire to be "safe", and risk failure, rejection, humiliation...then I find the joy in being alive. I wonder if this is sort of what Jesus is talking about when he says we have to lose our life to find it. 

I will end with a more recent journal entry, because it seems fitting.
(written 3/25/11)
S) Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer in everything, and by supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God; and the peace of God, that is surpassing all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. (Phil.4:6-7)
O) Anxiety is not good for us. It is a condition of the mind--thoughts running wild. Prayer is the remedy, if we can believe in a God who always has our best interest in mind.
A) We do not understand the ways of God, but peace is not a bi-product of understanding. It is a bi-product of trust. I lay down my desires and needs with thanksgiving, knowing God cares and loves and is working on my behalf...and my thoughts are guarded against needing to understand why my prayers are not always answered the way I want them to be. 
P) I'm scared to talk with Jay and Kathy. Thank you for setting my mind at ease. Please keep guarding my thoughts. I cannot know how things will turn out...and that's ok.