First an explanation for why I'm writing this. I made the mistake of reading comments on a Facebook post about the married couple who got caught in a snowstorm in the core of the Enchantments which ended in her death. Why was I reading them? Curiosity. I wanted to understand how it happened. But if I'm 100% honest, there is a part of me that wanted to judge what they did wrong, so I could feel superior in some way. It's gross and I hate it. But I'm not alone, because some of the comments were downright nasty. We all love feeling secure in the belief that we are better and will always do things the right way...it's a need that is very hard to overcome. Which is why we should give everyone a lot of grace. But grace doesn't mean we don't feel pain, as a friend of the deceased clearly conveyed:
"The worst day of our friend’s life and so many experts (assholes) want to say it could have been preventable? How about having a quarter tank of gas to go 10 miles to work but you get stopped on the highway because of a multi car pile up. You can’t get off the highway because barriers don’t allow you to turn around. There’s no exit for miles and you’re blocked by all the other traffic. You can’t turn the car off because it’s 110 degrees outside. Maybe you’re dropping your baby off at daycare along the way. You run out of gas and now you’re stuck. But it’s all your fault because you didn’t “prepare” and have a FULL tank of gas. OKC had this happen just this morning. Over an hour long backup. All this family needs right now is condolences, prayers and love. No one can EVER be 100% “prepared” in life."
Ouch. And I know if I die while backpacking alone (which I do a lot) it won't matter what I did right or wrong - it will be my fault and there will be judgemental and nasty comments saying so. And when I thought about this, and considered my family and friends pain, I wanted to write something to them. So here it is, and I sincerely hope it is never needed:
Well, first off, I should probably say I'm sorry I'm dead. But there are a few things I want you to keep in mind, and I really hope they are helpful. First, I always understood I could die. I confess there were already times I made stupid choices that probably could have killed me. I gave a lot of thanks I didn't die, and I tried to learn from every mistake, but I was always going to keep hiking. Not because I didn't care if I died, but because I loved it enough to accept the risks. And I wasn't afraid to die, because everybody dies.
Secondly, you will probably have to put up with a lot of mean and judgemental comments regarding my death. It won't matter if I did something wrong or not, because they will come before anyone even knows the facts about what happened. This is a very normal human response. The ego needs to feel like it can control everything, and so making it all my fault is a way of dealing with the anxiety over the fact we don't have that kind of power. I remember reading the absolutely hateful things people said about a mother who had her child abducted in a public place when she wasn't looking for one second. The reality that it could have happened to anyone is far too much for most people to bear, so it needed to be all her fault. Try to forgive the haters, and remember you've been judgemental to others at times too. Use the pain you feel at having me be judged without compassion to resolve within yourself to always choose compassion and grace. Mercy is shown to those who show mercy.
And lastly, the love I have for you and the love you have for me is not dead - only my body, which was going to happen eventually. I know it doesn't help with the pain, because I'm not there. But I'm not far. And I'll see you before you know it. In the meantime, live your life as full as you can. I know it will take awhile for you to forgive me for dying - grief is a process. But you'll come out the other side a person richer in empathy because you've known loss. And think of me when you see the hummingbirds, even though they are assholes. *😆Ha, you know I had to end with a joke because laughing is so much better than crying. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you, always and forever because love never dies.
*If you didn't know this about hummingbirds, look it up. They are beautiful, but nasty little creatures! I didn't know this when I got my hummingbird tattoo. But I still love them.
