"I'm Not Playing, so I Already Won"

Catchy title, huh?  This is what my daughter used to say when the game wasn't going her way.  (We tease her all the time about it now.)  In a strange way, this kind of sums up where my spiritual walk has taken me. Grace seems like an easy thing to understand--"getting something you don't deserve"...but I think it's a tremendously deeper concept than that. 


The physical realm makes some pretty hard demands on us---it's a dog eat dog world, as they say.  It's frightening, really.  And on top of that, there is this tremendous desire to make something of ourselves, to prove ourselves...to win. We want people to praise us, to notice us, to make us feel we are important. This is utterly normal. What child doesn't constantly say, "look at me, Mom!" This is what the teachers of contemplative prayer call the 'false self'.  Psychologists would probably call it the 'ego.' It seems to me it's what the Apostle Paul is referring to as the 'first Adam', or maybe even 'the flesh.' Literalists really don't this kind of talk...you're not allowed to question that an actual Adam and an actual Eve were the start of the human race.  For a fundamentalist, you're not a Christian if you don't believe that-- because then, "you might as well throw out the whole Bible."


I'm not trying to be mean; I understand because I used to think the same way...I'm just glad I not longer need the Bible to line up with science in order to believe it has a lot to teach us.  (Side note: There very well may have been an actual Adam and Eve; to me, it's not important. It makes much more sense to me that the creation story is speaking of spiritual truths. Therefore, I don't believe in a literal 'tree of life'...like one that grows fruit you would actually eat with your mouth. That doesn't make the story any less important to me...in fact, it makes it much more important.)  So, back to the first Adam. Here's the scripture I'm talking about :


"If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.  So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we bear the image of the heavenly man" 1Corn. 15:45-49 


It seems Paul is meaning for us all to identify with the 'two Adams', doesn't it?  We understand on some level that this 'natural' self needs to die, and not just physically. The 'new' self, the one in the image of the 'last Adam' (a life-giving spirit/the Holy Spirit) takes his place. How?  Well, that's a tough one, isn't it. How do we "work out our salvation" without trying to earn it?  How do we trust in faith to save us, and then be told faith without works is dead? How does being "determined to run the race" have anything to do with receiving grace? I'm not saying I have it all figured out...but one thing has become pretty clear to me;  if I'm playing the game as the 'old Adam', I'm bound to lose. If I'm playing with the new Adam, I've already won. So, in a way, I need to stop trying to win in order to make any progress. I told you grace was more confusing that you thought!

The Mind of Christ

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.  The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.  Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. (Roman 8:5-8)


This is where I would raise my hand to ask Paul, "Umm...excuse me, but aren't we all living in the realm of the flesh?  I still have a body... and hello, it's made of flesh".  I've spent quite a bit of my life in church, and during that time we all knew what 'living in the flesh' meant.  It meant doing anything fun. To be 'spiritual' meant denying all that, and 'living for the Lord'--aka, being a missionary or something.  Forgive me--I don't mean to completely dis that.  I think there is some truth in it.  It's missing something though...because to deny the 'flesh' so you can 'make to heaven' is going against the concept of grace.  So, I'm going to address this thought of 'making it to heaven'; because I think it's a problem.  As you can see from the above scripture, Paul is speaking about life right now.  Having a mind that is governed (controlled) by 'the spirit' is life. The life controlled by 'the flesh' cannot even try to please God...Paul is clearly saying this is not possible.  But how are we to be 'governed by the spirit'?  What in the world does this even mean?  Going back to this 'inner' place...the 'spiritual' realm if you will; what is it?  I'm going to throw out a very crazy idea; but stick with me, please.  Here is Hannah Hurnard's explanation:


"We have already seen that 'the heart of a man' is his individual thought life and that his spirit is the real being who thinks those thoughts and thus creates and produces this thought life.  It is clear therefore that thinking spirits live in a realm of thought and that the spirit realm or spirit world must thus be a world made up of thought substance instead of material matter.  It is in fact a realm of the mind".


Bizarre, I know...but it explains a lot of things.  We are told in 1 Corinthians that we are given the 'mind of Christ'...is this not the Holy Spirit?  We are told in 2 Corinthians that what we are making 'war' against 'strongholds' and 'casting down imaginations' and 'bringing into captivity every thought'.  If the heart or mind of mankind is a fallen world, then maybe this outer world in which our bodies live reflects that fallen spirit world.  When we change the 'inner', the 'outer' will be changed as well...because it is only a reflection.


"for we see now through a mirror obscurely, and then face to face; now I know in part, and then I shall fully know, as also I was known. 1 corn. 13:12"


Why are we here?  That's the big question, isn't it?  A spirit in a body of flesh...there has to be a reason for it.  But again, I need to continue on another post.  So much to consider.

The Inner Man

The inner man...a very strange concept. But at the same time, really not that strange. We all know we are more than just a physical body.  The things that make us who we really are have nothing to do with the 'outside'--you don't have to be religious to recognize this. What's hard to recognize or believe is that this 'inner' self exists apart from the 'outer'--that what is the true reality of things cannot be seen with the eyes.  Certainly we cannot 'see' what is true about a person with our eyes--but hang around them enough, (especially in a stressful situation) and it usually becomes quite obvious. But to believe this 'inner' person has substance...something real, just like our physical bodies are real...that's a little weird. 


We only know substance as physical; how can something you can't touch have substance?  So if we are to believe in heaven as a real place we go when we die, it has to be somewhere else...someplace far away.  To even suggest that the kingdom of heaven is within you...well, most Christians get really uncomfortable and think this must be some new age theology. What can possibly be 'within' us but blood and guts?  Our heart is within us, and our heart is the crux of the matter.  What is our heart? Not the beating organ, of course.  Here are some passages that speak of the heart:


"Search me O God, and know my heart, and try my thoughts", "The inward thoughts of every one of them and the heart, is deep", "God saw that every imagination of the thoughts of the heart was only evil continually", "Why do thoughts arise in your hearts?" , "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too." "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he".


Scientifically, we know we think with the mind. If we look at the Bible as a book about science, we will be quite frustrated. It's my opinion the Bible is not trying to teach us about the physical realm at all, but the spiritual...even though I do think the two are connected. Hannah Hurnard gives an interesting analogy of this in her book The Inner Man. She tells a story about a time she was staying at a hotel, and looked out her window. There, in the water, she could see just as plain as day people playing croquet in a lake. She knew this was impossible, but it looked so real. Finally, she realized the optical illusion of a double reflection involving the window (being open, and not closed as she thought) and the water. The people were real, only they were playing over on the other side of the building, not in the water. Then the scripture came to her "we look not the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen..."  Here is a quote from the book:


I began to wonder if the Apostle really meant us to understand that the things which we perceive through our five physical senses are really only a kind of reflection of far more real spiritual things.  And, if so, are the 'outer' men and women visible to our natural sight merely temporary reflections or 'shadows' in the mirror of materiality and time of far more real people--the 'inner man or woman'--the individual spirit dwelling in each human being?..."For though the outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day." 2 Corn. 4:16


This is kind of a freaky thought...that my 'inner' self has a form. What does it look like?  Imagine that people could actually see and know your thoughts and feelings--that your true nature, intentions, motives and desires were visible?  Yikes, right?  How do we 'renew' this person?  How do we change our nature into something we wouldn't be ashamed of if people could really see it?  I tried for most my life to do it the way I was taught by my religion...read your Bible, go to church, pray, tithe, do good deeds. And when none of this worked in changing who I really was, then I was told, "Well, of course not. We are all sinners, that's why Jesus died. You can't earn salvation."  How frustrating.  But maybe there is a way to change, AND maybe it doesn't have to do with earning.  Let's hope so...more about that later.

Religion

This is ironic, but I have really been drawn to certain aspects of the Catholic faith.  It's very strange to me, because I've always viewed Catholicism with quite a bit of suspicion and disdain. (like all good Protestants do)  And now after I've sort of 'dumped' religion altogether, to then want to study something as strict and unyielding and unmerciful as I have conceived the Catholic tradition to be...well, it's pretty baffling.  The thing is, within Catholicism there are some people who are quite simply inspiring.  Who can deny that Mother Teresa is a picture of what it means to love God?  And deep within this tradition is something I would have until recently been too terrified to even think about, much less want to understand..."Catholic Mysticism". (oogala-boogala)  I know for many the word 'mysticism' implies sorcery or seances and the like, but the definition is:

1.	belief in or experience of a reality surpassing normal human understanding or experience, esp a reality perceived as essential to the nature of life.

What is wrong about believing in a reality that surpasses normal human understanding?  The problem with religion is, it thinks it can take this reality and shove it in a box.  Anyone that challenges this box and questions, "maybe your ideas about God are not completely correct" is perceived as a terrible threat. (how many wars have been waged because of religion?) 


But that's the problem with religion...and not everything about religion is bad.  The truth is, I haven't exactly 'dumped' it.  At the heart of any religion is a passing down of an experience of the spiritual realm--either by a person or a community.  Many people (in fact, the majority) believe in a spiritual realm...but they have not had any experience of it.  They need to rely on the experiences of others, and believe those experiences are true in order to have faith.  But this is not the case for those who have had their own spiritual encounter...like the Apostle Paul. (author of most of the new testament)  He did not experience Jesus in the flesh, nor did he believe in the religion of Christianity...he had an experience of Jesus that was outside of a normal human encounter.  Isn't that 'mysticism'? 


The religion of Christianity is the passing down of Paul's (and others) spiritual experience, except now it has a stamp of approval on it-- making it safe.  (If your with the group of people who believe in that stamp of approval.  Obviously it's not safe for those who believe in some other group's stamp of approval)  Now that I disagree with the 'stamp of approval' of what the religion of Christianity has taught about the teachings of Jesus and the letters of Paul, I've had to 'dump' the religion.  Although, I still believe in the original mystical experiences...only now I'm free to consider that other people's mystical experiences can be true as well, even if they do not belong to my religion.  Except, I'm not really all that interested in studying other religions.  I'm interested in learning from others who love and follow Jesus, but who are not afraid of the spiritual realm.   And those crazy Catholic Mystics who boldly teach of having touched the spiritual realm all have something in common...they say it's found 'inside'. (nor shall they say, Lo, here; or lo, there; for lo, the reign of God is within you.' Luke 17:20 ) The method many of them teach in regards to having access to this inner place is something called "Centering Prayer" or "Prayer of the Heart" or "Contemplative Prayer".  I'll talk more about it another time.

The Book of Job

I heard once that the book of Job is the oldest book in Bible, though I'm not sure if that is true or not.   I do know that I always hated it growing up.  Is it a true story?  A parable?  Whatever it is, it's quite a tale.  Satan and God are arguing about whether Job only loves God because God is good to him, so God gives Satan permission to basically reek havoc, to see how Job will respond.  And for some reason people always refer to 'the patience of Job', but I never saw how he was patient.  He was in agony--how does sitting in agony mean your being patient?  If people think he was enduring the agony 'patiently', I don't think they've actually read it:


“Therefore I will not keep silent;  I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul...I despise my life...Let me alone; my days have no meaning. What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention,  that you examine them every morning and test them every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?"


Yes, at the beginning of his torment he says, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”, but towards the end he changes his tune a little:


“He is not a mere mortal like me that I might answer him, that we might confront each other in court.  If only there were someone to mediate between us, someone to bring us together, someone to remove God’s rod from me, so that his terror would frighten me no more...I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul. I say to God: Do not declare me guilty, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to oppress me... Are your days like those of a mortal or your years like those of a strong man, that you must search out my faults and probe after my sin—though you know that I am not guilty and that no one can rescue me from your hand?"


I'm sorry, but these are not 'patiently enduring my suffering' words, these are fightin' words--pissed off words.  And the thing is, he has every right to be angry.  He didn't do anything wrong.  And to top it off his friends are saying, "You better watch your mouth, because God would never do this unless you deserved it"...talk about insult to injury.


"Surely mockers surround me; my eyes must dwell on their hostility. God has made me a byword to everyone, a man in whose face people spit."


And then the end...God shows up.  This is the part I hated most.  Does He apologize to Job for allowing all this suffering?  Nope.  He actually seems mad at Job: "Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me", and he goes on and on about being Creator of all and caretaker of all, so who is Job to accuse Him?  And Job, after all he has been through, and even through he was innocent and suffered so much, agrees:


Then Job replied to the LORD: “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." 


When I used to read this, I imagined that Job really didn't feel all that differently--I mean, God didn't explain why Job went through all that, or make it better (at that point) so I guess I thought that Job was just kowtowing out of fear, because he was in trouble for complaining to an all powerful God.  I imagine it very differently now.  Job saw God with his own eyes, and Job was no longer mad.  Job felt terrible for questioning the goodness of God...even without an explanation or an apology.  "You can do all things, no purpose of yours can be thwarted", he says.  And what are these things?  "Too wonderful for me to know".  I don't think it is fear that is making him react this way.  I think it's love.  Job must have seen something pretty amazing to make him forget all his pain.  I know a few people going through pain I just can't even imagine.  My hope, the hope that helps me not shake my fist at God even though He's all powerful and does nothing to ease their pain, is that there are things too wonderful for me to know that makes it all worth it.  In James 5 it says, "You heard of the endurance of Job, and you have seen the end of the Lord, that very compassionate is the Lord, and pitying."  Sometimes it's hard to see that--but I'll end with one of my journal entries from the book of Job.


S) My friends, you think up ways to blame and torment me, saying I brought it on myself.  But watch out for the judgment, when God will punish you. (Job 19:28)
O) Job's friends keep telling him he is suffering because he has sinned.  They can't believe he is blaming God.  But Job is not afraid to cry out and tell God exactly how he feels--betrayed and abandoned.  But he holds on to the hope that he will be vindicated.
A) Job has some guts to talk back to his friends this way.  I think when your in that much pain, you just don't care what people think anymore.  In the end, his friends were not punished, because God asks Job to pray for them--and he does.  How remarkable.  This is the compassion and pity of God.
P) God, you know the part of me that wants judgement to fall on the 'leaders of the church'.  What I really want is your heart of compassion and pity.  Help me surrender my rights to vindication and trust you.

God the Gardener

So many parables in the Bible used to terrify me.  They always made me feel like I was just not measuring up, and that God was so disappointed...and very angry.  Many of the descriptions of God's discipline involve chopping off and burning up, and so no wonder the focus has mostly been "accept Jesus so God won't punish you".  Here's a few I remember reading as a child and feeling like it was a good thing Jesus saved me from this God who disliked people so much:


Weeds are gathered and burned. That's how it will be at the end of time. The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will gather from his kingdom everyone who does wrong or causes others to sin. Then he will throw them into a flaming furnace, where people will cry and grit their teeth in pain. (Matthew 13:40-42)


Maybe you think those branches were cut away, so that you could be put in their place. That's true enough. But they were cut away because they did not have faith, and you are where you are because you do have faith. So don't be proud, but be afraid. If God cut away those natural branches, couldn't he do the same to you? (Romans 11:19-21)


I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener...If you stay joined to me, and I stay joined to you, then you will produce lots of fruit. But you cannot do anything without me. If you don't stay joined to me, you will be thrown away. You will be like dry branches that are gathered up and burned in a fire. (John 15:5-6)
(because I cringe even now reading how I will be thrown away, let me use the Young's Literal:  "if any one may not remain in me, he was cast forth without as the branch, and was withered, and they gather them, and cast to fire, and they are burned"...(and also to help with fear, don't forget what he says two verses later) "According as the Father did love me, I also loved you, remain in my love."


Because I now believe Jesus is the reflection of God, and his death is the symbol of God's suffering for us and in us and with us until we are transformed into his image, (instead of Jesus being punished instead of us, much like a loving sibling would take a beating from an abusive Father in place of another sibling) I see these parables in a whole different light.  If I wanted to convey to you that the pain you were going through was not a result of hate, but of love...what better image to use than a gardener?  Who is more patient and caring and gentle (and nonviolent) than a gardener?  Everything he does is for the benefit of his plants...to help them grow.  What gardener prunes his trees because he hates them?  Who would believe he picks the ripe grapes because he thinks they are so much more deserving than the unripe ones?  And when he burns his yard waste, he is just cleaning up.  Who would imagine him standing over the burning branches and saying "suffer, you piece of crap branches that didn't produce for me!"  But our shame over our failures, and our anger at those who hurt us, obscure our ideas about who God is.  When we can look at Jesus and say, "THAT is who God is", then we are able to see Him as the gentle gardener, weeding and pruning to make everything beautiful and productive.

The Cross

Is there anything more central to Christianity than the cross of Christ?  On churches, on jewelry, on tattoos, on clothing--the cross is the symbol that is known everywhere to represent Jesus and what it means to follow him.  But what does it mean, really?  I'm certainly not the only one who is rethinking how the cross has been traditionally understood.  It seems odd though, doesn't it, that all of a sudden there is all this debate about it.  But I have to think that maybe there was always debate about it--I mean, it's such a deep subject.  Because I come from a religious background of such black and whites, (where you were told what was true, and that was that) I assumed that nobody ever questioned these 'truths'...especially this central belief that Jesus was punished in our place.


It's been a shock for me to find that a very clear "Substitutionary Atonement" theology has never really been agreed upon.  I understand why it makes people so uncomfortable to even think about it...there's a fear the meaning of the cross will be diminished or even discounted if you pick at it too much.  In no way do I want to do that.  For me, seeing the cross as a punishment for sin is what diminishes it, and that's why I'm so certain it cannot be it's true and fullest meaning.  And so, I'm going to try my best to present a deeper way of seeing it.  These are excerpts (below) from Hannah Hurnard's book  The Winged Life, from the chapter "Revelation Made by Jesus Christ".  I think it is the most meaningful explanation of the the cross I have ever found, but I certainly can't 'prove' to you it's true.  All I can say is, when I see it this way, my love and devotion deepens...for God and humanity both.


     "As a young Christian my first conception of God represented Him to me as...high and lifted up and inhabiting eternity.  He was entirely unapproachable by sinners, save through a mediator, his son Jesus Christ.  I knew that He knows everything and nothing can be hidden from Him...but I conceived of Him as cognizant of it all in an absolutely impersonal way, except of those who were brought into a personal relationship with Him through Jesus.  I was quite sure that when Christ arose again and returned to the glory of the Father...he is now past the reach of all suffering.   I can never forget the shock of horror of the very idea with which I reacted to a passage in a book...
     'God knows and is cognizant of all the sin and the horror of its manifestations and results all over the world.  Not a single detail is unknown to him...I can pity, I can sympathize, I can try to help, but then I can come home...and I am away from it all.  But he stays there.'
     With my whole will I longed to reject it--a suffering God instead of the high and lofty one, who had only needed to suffer once in order to atone for all the world's sorrow and anguish.  But God, being omnipresent, must be conscious of it all the time...and feeling it all with the anguish of holy love.  But still, revolutionary as this new idea was, I still thought of Him as suffering from without...suffering in much the same way as a loving and heartbroken father or mother suffers while tending a child in some agonizing illness.  It took another twenty years (when I saw) what our Lord Jesus has revealed about God through his choosing to become incarnate in a man--namely that he is conscious of himself in all humans. Until that moment I had thought of God as conscious of everything from without...but now I saw...he is conscious of it from within. This is what the saints mean when they speak of God as immanent. God manifest in the flesh. Once, in the fullness of time, when we were able to be shown, God in Jesus Christ revealed to us and the truth about "God with us reveled in us."  Every part of his incarnation, life and death on the cross--yes, and his glorious resurrection is a revelation of this truth.  
     The Jewish people found it overwhelmingly difficult to grasp the significance of a suffering God, of the Creator on a cross, just as they were so unable to understand the revelation of the presence of God actually dwelling in a tent of skins...and would not believe he was present and incarnate in a human body.  He was wounded and has been wounded for our transgressions all along...from the moment of the first sin it began to be true.  "Surly he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows", "In all their afflictions he was afflicted"...these passages now take on a marvelous and overwhelming significance, and a host of other ones as well.  Never again can I despise or be indifferent to a single individual that I meet...for I see someone in whom the eternal God and Redeemer is conscious of...feeling and bearing all they feel and bear and all the consequences of their sin and the cruel sins done against them by others.
     Here, at least as far as I can see, is the answer to the mystery of suffering...Love himself is in them, feeling it all, bearing it, crucified and rising to life making himself responsible to undo, in the end, all the results of sin...and bringing forth in his own good time resurrection life out of agony and death."